Musings of Late

It's just about Christmas Eve as I type... and I swear that I'm heading to bed really soon.. but I just wanted to take a moment to blog since I doubt that I'll be around for the next couple of days online...

I've been missing our special someone lately quite a bit... and I'm doing ok but I have to admit that this year Christmas is not as much fun as the past couple of years.. Lee's not here to share it and see the reactions that the girls are having this year.. They are so into Christmas this year.. they are loving the Portable North Pole Santa videos that I made for them.. I think they replayed them at least 2x each just tonight.. I so wish that Lee were here to help me with all the sneaking around and some assembly required items that have found their way under our tree this year. It's going to be a great Christmas no matter what.. and there will probably be a few tears shed at some point.. and I really hope that my family understands that the tears that come are to be expected because of this year's circumstances..

I doubt that I've been forgotten this year but the doubt is still there that I will be forgotten this year... Lee was always great about making sure that there were a couple of things for me under our tree. This year there were no secret packages from Amazon arriving or warnings to not look at my Amazon gift list so I'd by mistake see what I was getting before Christmas arrived.

Time for me to climb into bed and hope that the next few days go well for us...

Beginning to feel like Christmas

It's feeling like Christmas here lately.. the tree is up and decorated by my very in demand decorators. They did a fabulous job though most of the decorations are at their height rather than mine and in between.. I moved a few around after we were done (don't tell them).. Holiday cards are flooding our mailbox almost everyday now. I've been hanging them up as they come on our living room wall so we can see and enjoy them everyday.

Snow has not arrived yet but I'm not looking forward to that yet... it would be nice to have some though for Christmas Day..

Work at the toystore is getting busier again... I love this time of year at the shop.. I love helping people figure out what to get the kids in their lives. I also like seeing the kids that come in and picking out all the new things that they would like to have Santa get them.

I discovered Pandora.com on the computer (via work so that we could play Christmas music).. so I've been enjoying Christmas music here at home (when Anna doesn't shut it off). I like that you can skip songs that you don't want to hear and rate songs (like and don't like) and get lots of options.. I've even put on some kid music stations for the girls.

Christmas is Coming

and I have one child just about Potty Trained... and one that is trying to make an effort to be potty trained. So I am grateful for that... I also have finished my sock that I was working on.. so now I'm trying to turn my efforts to the blankets that I started some time ago and have been ignoring lately.

Our tree is up and has lights but no decorations yet... I'll get to it soon. Hopefully within the next week.

In Memory of Shirley

My MIL , Lee's mom passed away on Wednesday early in the morning.. It was totally expected but I was hoping to get to the end of this year without another loss especially after losing Lee.


My memories of her are mostly good.. I knew her for just over 18 years and met her for the first time after Lee and I had been dating for just over 2 years at her 50th Wedding Anniversary. Before that we had chatted on the phone every so often when I was at Lee's and he happened to be calling his parents. Four years later she and Lee's Dad (Walter) came out for our wedding and Lee had me call their room the next morning.. Shirley happened to answer the phone and I said "Good Morning Mrs Ringen. It's Mrs Ringen calling" (Lee's idea). Three months later we went out to California for a visit (ok our Honeymoon) and she asked if I liked to eat Cantaloupe. I do like it... but not everyday.. which is what Shirley did.. each morning there was a slice of cantaloupe waiting for me at the breakfast table.. after a few days I asked why she kept serving it as part of Breakfast. She replied that she thought I liked it.. which I did.. but not in the amount that I was eating. Years later I still eat Cantaloupe but I have a private giggle when I do.


In 2005 she became a widow when after 60 years of marriage, Walter died. Lee and I went out for the Memorial and Funeral and stayed at the Assisted Living Complex. I wound up going up to her room each morning before the nurses could get to her room and help her finish dressing.. It wasn't much but it helped her and I think that she liked that I was able to help her in that way.


When she moved to Southern California we went and visited her again (we stayed with her son Alan and his wife Debbie). We had a nice visit and went back again to see her and brought the girls with us in 2010. This would be the last time that Lee and his Mom would see each other and the only time that the girls would get to meet their Grandma Ringen.


Now that she is gone, the girls have only one Grandparent left (my own Dad died in 2001).. I'll be heading out to California sometime soon to say my final goodbyes to a woman who was a fabulous mother, loved her children immensely and let them be their own people. Lee (according to what he had told me) didn't get a degree from college..He went to the school of hard knocks for a majority of his life and Shirley had always told him that if we ever found a window or bumper sticker that said "School of Hard Knocks" she'd be proud to display it on her car to go with Alan's MIT sticker anytime... That's a really great and special mom.. I will miss her very much...

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I've really good this year and I have a request.. you probably can't fill it but I'm going to ask anyway. Could you please bring Lee back? The girls and I miss him so much. The holidays aren't going to be the same ever again and it would be the best surprise ever if he came back. With your help I know that I can make sure that the girls have a great Christmas (their first without their Daddy here). Could you please make mine just as good ??? I don't require much... just some love and understanding to get me through. A sign from Lee that I'm not screwing up our kids too much. That I'm doing what he would want me to do.

Thank you hopefully in advance..

Cheryl

Some Updates..mostly good

Halloween is OVER.... Hooray... though we are still right in the middle of the princess obsession and seem to be watching Cinderella as much as possible lately. Thankfully I love the Cinderella story and will watch it willingly as many times as they want..

Lily (Cinderella) and Anna (Snow White)

In other news... I'm back to knitting on my socks.. I have turned the heel and picked up stitches and even gotten the Gusset finished and am now working on the foot. I'm almost done with these socks.. I want and need to move on to a new project. Definitely not socks though. I need a sock break. Maybe I'll try to figure out Shirley's sweater that I inherited last year or work on a secret project for a relative of mine that asked. Or work on my blankets that I started quite some time ago and have not finished yet..

Trying to be Postive

I feel like lately all I post about are things that get me down or are depressing. I need to change that. But sometimes it's hard to be positive. I see so many other families and think why us.. why not them? Why do they get to be whole and happy? Why didn't we get to have Lee for the next 20+ years? Why when the girls are still so little? Why not have this happen when they were old enough to understand better? I feel like I keep trying and failing to be a good mother. Maybe my expectations are too high. I'm far from perfect and don't exactly strive to be but I wish I had more patience with them at times.



I feel the need to be more positive. The girls do keep me laughing and smiling with their antics and comments. I love hearing their versions of stories. Anna impresses me so much at times. The other night I heard her reading one of the alphabet books to herself and she did a great job naming most of the animals in it (and some of them I'm not very familiar with either). She's also great at singing to herself and making up songs. Lily loves her firetrucks and babies with a passion. Both of them lately love to sing to the stars at night.. a sweet rendition of Twinkle Twinkle that is so cute.

Halloween should be fun this year since they are so into wearing their costumes and the whole idea of trick or treating. I can't wait..

Six Months later

Hard to believe that it has been 6 months since Lee passed away.. As I said to someone this past week, sometimes it feels like longer and other times it feels like it was almost yesterday that he died. I also realized something though, I'm actually surviving. I'm doing ok. I don't breakdown as much anymore. I have my moments but they are getting better. I miss Lee with all my heart and wish that he were still here but I'm doing ok and know that I will be ok in the future.

Our minister recently gave me some pictures that she had taken when the girls saw Lee for the last time at the hospital. They were painful to look at the first couple of times but I can look at them now and see all sorts of love in them between the girls and Lee. Lily saw me loading them on the computer and remarked "I miss Daddy".

Anna has been asking to draw pictures of our family lately with just Mommy, Anna and Lily. It's not as heartbreaking as it was when I saw her first Family drawing without Daddy in it. It's our new reality.

One Year ago....

It doesn't seem possible that...

one year ago I had a healthy husband, 2 year old twins and was heading to California to go and visit Lee's mom, brother and SIL.


One year ago we visited with and videoed Lee's mom with our girls.


One year ago I was thinking about how great it was that the girls were finally getting to meet their Grandma Ringen.


One year ago we took the girls on an hour's walk around my BIL's neighborhood to help tire them out for a nap.


One year ago the girls rode the merry go round for the first and second time and loved it.


One year ago Lee was not looking forward to saying goodbye to his mom since he was afraid that it would be the last time that he would see her alive.


One year ago I would have never thought that I would lose my husband.

A small announcement

No I'm not shutting myself down.... I have too much to say... but this is my 300th post on here and I don't want to waste it on mundane stuff.. My SIL and BIL were here today to see the kids and I while they are on this coast doing some visiting. Debbie mentioned that a widow she knows would write in a journal to and about her husband. I liked that idea.. so I'm adopting it.. I'm thinking once a week will be my day to write the blog as a letter to Lee about what is going on around here.. what the girls are doing, how we are coping.. I might do it the old fashioned way (paper and pen) but I like the thought of doing it electronically. I'll see how it feels and go from there.

The girls and I are heading to the cemetary this weekend for the first time together. There is a ceremony for the families of those that have been buried over the past year on Saturday morning. I figured it might be the best timing for bringing the girls up there. I'm hoping that it goes ok.. I'm hoping that I keep it somewhat together.. If anyone knows how to explain where I am taking the girls before Saturday please let me know.. I need all the advice I can muster..

Momma you ok

Ugh... Momma has not been feeling too good lately... not sure why.. I'll go with allergies to pollen levels for now.. but I have been coughing for a few days now.. it's a great Ab workout..not. I have been taking decongestant and Tussin CM to keep it in check but I think the high rate of me coughing has gotten the girls a touch worried.. I heard the words Momma you ok a few times today especially. This is when I miss Lee the most.. when I'm not feeling good.. if he were here I could just take a well deserved nap and know that he would keep an eye on them. But that's not my reality anymore.. Yeah i could have called someone to help me out but it's also a holiday weekend.. so I doubt that anyone would have been home.

On a slightly unrelated note.. Lily especially has been rather upset and wanting her Daddy.. Tonight I tried a new tactic.. I had recently hung up a few pictures of Lee and the 4 of us together.. So I brought her to one of the pictures and told her to say Hi to Daddy and tell him that she misses him.. it sort of worked and not to be left out, Anna wanted a turn too. She did a bit better with the message.

GoodBye August

Argh... How is that August is over already??? No.... August is one of my favorite months... it brings my birthday along with my Mom's, Dani's and my MIL Shirley's.

This year August also brought a trip to StoryLand and Santa's Village. It was a fun trip... I want to go back as do the girls. Anna was all over the rides.. she loved the Carousel, the ball pit, the Tea Cup rides (we went on 2), the Antique Cars and the Train. She was not wild about the Polar Coaster but she tried it. Lily loved the Antique Cars, the Tea Cups (after going on them once), the Train,the Ball Pit, the Farm Tractor ride (she went 2x). The Carousel she was not wild about and sat on the bench with Mommy. I so wanted to go on the Bamboo Chutes ride.. but the days that we went it was not the best weather for it.. Both girls loved the Loopy Lab and playing with all the balls.

Santa's Village was a better weather day and we tried our best to get as many rides in as possible but some of the lines were just too long.. like the Log Flume Ride.. I really wanted to do that one since I had missed it at StoryLand. Lily was disappointed that the line for the Antique Cars was too long also.. She did like the raft ride though (we raced Grandma and Anna). She also LOVED that we got to see SANTA CLAUS. Anna loved the Pixie ride..and riding the Carousel. Heck any ride.. Both girls rode and loved the Himalaya ride. Lily's smile was priceless to me.

Once we got home I finished the first of the Anklet socks.. I am so proud of myself.. but now I need to psych myself up to start the second one. I think that once I am done with the second sock I am going to try to work on my blankets more and maybe even try to figure out the sweater that my MIL was working on and I got unfinished.

I'm looking forward to September... it means shorter days and the start of Fall and continuing to learn how to keep on going without Lee.

Some Musings of Late

Lately I think my mind is playing tricks on me... I drove past the train station the other day and happened to notice the people coming out of the station. I swear I looked for Lee in the crowd since I used to go and pick him up there almost every evening till the girls were born. Today I went into Harvard Square and wound up at the Harvard Coop. I made a beeline to the Children's books department half expecting to see him there (he had worked there while we were dating and for the first little bit of our marriage). I also walked down Church Street looking for our favorite sandwich shop ... ironically called Lee's Sandwich Shop. It's gone now.. I had been hoping to have my lunch there today. Maybe that was for the best since I wasn't sure if I would have been able to eat anything since we ate there so much while dating and the memories might be too much.

I dislike that I'm becoming like the girls.. looking for him everywhere and expecting to see him at some point. I'm the adult... I should be able to get through this. My head and heart know that he is gone forever, but there is a small part of me that keeps hoping that he'll come back. That probably sounds insane but I want him back. I can't keep thinking about how different things might be if Lee were still here. How I might be able to look for jobs without having to rearrange my life to be able to get the girls where I need to get them at a reasonable time so that I can go to a job with regularish 9-5 hours. That I'd still have someone to talk over the days with and be silly with. That Lee would be planning all sorts of fun trips and things to do that are nearby and don't cost much to do. That we would be going to Storyland together and sharing the experience of watching the girls on their first true amusement rides. I'm so grateful that my brother is doing this for us. He'd actually planned it all before Lee died and I'm glad that we are going anyway but it feels a bit bittersweet for me at the moment.

Marker is in...

Well it's finally in... the guys at the cemetary came through and got it done on Monday. I went up today with flowers since I needed to see it myself. I have to admit, I thought I was prepared and could do this alone.. Ha.. though at least noone was there to witness my small breakdown when I arrived or to hear my muttering as I arranged the flowers over and over till in my mind they were perfectly arranged. I spent a bit of time there just sitting and being and enjoying the quiet of the cemetary.

I had brought a dozen roses from me and a special rose each from the girls.

It does seem somewhat weird to me to see my name on the marker too. It's my final resting spot also so I'm going to have to get used to it. Now I just need to find some time for the girls to go up and visit Daddy. That one will need to be coordinated carefully though since I'm going to be needing back up and support for that visit.

In other news the girls have been asking for Daddy more lately.. Anna is convinced that we can build a block tower high enough to Daddy and keeps trying to build really tall towers before they fall over. They also are somewhat convinced that when 'Daddy come back' that Mommy will be happy... I think they've seen me cry a little too much lately.

I also spent a few days going through Lee's SciFi Books.. I currently have 9 boxes of them (disclaimer that most of the boxes are diaper boxes).. and then today I cleaned out his side of our closet.. I haven't touched the closet in the hall with his t-shirts yet... that one will be the hardest to do and will take me a long time to decide to do. No rush...

Hard Day

Today I was driving the girls to school and listening to a DVD and thinking about Lee and I started crying. The girls noticed and told me that "it ok Mommy" and "you ok Mommy?" .... Anna really got me with her statement of "Mommy when Daddy back he make you happy.." I tried to tell her that Daddy isn't coming back ever. It's a hard concept to understand when you are 3 years old... and it doesn't seem to get any easier to understand when you are 37 either.





I was a puddle of tears for alot of today. I couldn't help thinking about how today was the day that the cemetary had told me that his marker would be installed. I didn't go up today.. I thought about it but decided not to go just in case I went up before it actually got installed and was disappointed. I hope to go up on Wednesday.. hopefully with some flowers.. on my own. I keep thinking I should bring my mom or my minister with me but part of me just wants the private time with him. To know that this really is my reality... that Lee really is gone... forever and ever. That we won't be growing older together like we thought we would. That is one of the harder things for me: That I'm going to be alone.

Sleep .. the final frontier

For the first time in awhile my threats worked... I told them that they needed to go to sleep so that we can get up early and go to the Zoo tomorrow. They both fell asleep easily tonight.. I think it more has to do with that we are going to a new daycare and that the new provider is able to not nap the girls for me in the afternoon which is making our nights here much easier.. Everyone is well rested for once.. well maybe not the mommy but I can catch up every so often.

I wasn't sure that I'd even get to this point and heck we still have some nights that aren't that great and I want to pawn them off to someone else to deal with. It's finally getting somewhat easier to do this alone. I don't need to ask people to come over to help get them to sleep. I also don't need to call people because I am unable to deal with the process of getting them to sleep. We are finally starting to find a new normal. Well at least at bedtime. There is still quite a bit of fighting going on (that never leaves I'm guessing) and lately they are asking more for Lee. Anna has even gone so far as to tell me that she talked to Daddy last night. Today she told me about going on the airplane with Daddy (we went to CA in Sept '10) and me (Mommy) and Lily.

Maybe I can wrap my brain around trying to get them to go Potty soon. Since that seems to be the next big hurdle to work on and conquer with both of them.

Miss You So Much

Dear Lee,

It's been 3 months a week and 2 days since you passed away and I miss you every single day... I miss your crazy ideas, your chats with me at night after a long day (even before the girls arrived), cuddling in bed with you and the girls every so often. I miss how you'd ask me to rub your back and check for bumps but somehow never usually got around to doing the same for me. The random pictures that would just appear on my camera of the girls that I know I never took. I miss belting out Beatles songs with you, making you dance with me around the apartment every so often - you really didn't like when I asked.. but did it anyway to make me happy. I miss mini-golfing with you. The surprises that you would get for me just because.. our trips.. especially the ones that you would plan out and not tell me about until we were in the car. I miss the trips to the grocery store with the girls in tow and how you would push them around the store proud as could be when they still fit in the infant carseats and we used the double snap and go to get around. I don't miss the arguments that we would have. Though I do miss having someone to vent about Life and my mother too. I miss your point of view on the world.. you really made me think.. I miss all these things about you.. but most of all I miss YOU.. My rock, my best friend, my partner in crime. If it were up to me, you'd still be here and you would be perfectly healthy and dry. I'm probably being selfish but there are so many days that I just can't get through alone.. I wasn't meant to raise these girls alone.. It's taking a huge village already and sometimes I feel like I am the village idiot and everyone is just waiting for me to mess up royally. Somehow I am doing this though... I wish I knew how. Someday I hope to see you again once I eventually get to where ever it is that you are. I need to go now..Lily and Anna need me..

Love you forever,

Cheryl.

Small updates

Life is crazy here... we just switched to a new daycare and thankfully there are no naps for Big Girls and so far so good.. they also seem to like the new place too.



My anklet socks are moving and grooving along.. I got the entire heel flap done today on the first sock.. hopefully (before I go to knitting tomorrow) I'll be able to turn the heel. If that happens I'll be so happy..



I also cut my hair... I have no clue how much of it came off but it feels so much lighter.. I almost feel like a new person.. or at least one that hasn't had to go through as much as I have lately.





The biggest change... at least in my mind... is that Lee's marker is being installed this week. I'm not exactly a fan of this change because it means that Lee being gone is real and I really don't want it to be real. I want him back with a passion. I want that to still be an option.. even though I know that it isn't an option at all. The girls keep asking about Daddy and saying that they want him... I feel like a robot saying that Daddy isn't here anymore... they can now add the part about how Daddy was very very sick and then he died all on their own...

I wonder if someday I will wake up and have him next to me again... and this will all just be a really bad dream.. I so wish it could be that simple... that I could chat with him again. We used to have some really great late night chats. Guess I'll chalk it up as another thing that I'll miss about him.

Still here

I keep forgetting to blog but I've been busy... those that follow understand.. or at least I hope that they do.

I finished the book that I was reading last time I blogged.. it turned out ok... I then started to read a book that my friend wrote. The name of the book is Eden Lake.. it was really good. You must read it.. it's that good. It was a great read for me... I also finished the Lace Socks.. they look really great.. I might be biased though

So what else is happening in the world of Cheryl ??? I made the final payment on Lee's marker today and got to see what is going to look like. Now I need to wait for the phone call telling me that it's been installed.

The girls had their 3 year pictures done over the weekend... I posted a couple of pictures on FaceBook but here's one for here..

I was amazed that Lily not only wore her glasses but kept her hair in the ponytails that she asked for.. I wasn't too surprised either when on the way home she took the ponytails out.

What else... we went to our first swim party of the year yesterday and I truly missed Lee not being there with us.. my mom went with us instead... I doubt I will ever have her come with me again to any of these events... it didn't go well for me and I really couldn't enjoy myself since I had to keep my eye on her too.

At least the girls had a great time..

Untitled Again

I love reading books and as of late I haven't really had a lot of time for that.. though one of my favorite authors has recently come out with 3 more books in a series that she writes.. so i bought them and have been reading them.. I'm currently on the last one. The main character has just found out that she has Ovarian Cancer and her romantic interest in the book has just married her and told her that He will be with her for better or worse, in sickness and in health.. bla bla bla. and during the ceremony scene he looked at her and said Forever.. and it's hitting home so much for me.. I was supposed to have forever also... why didn't I get that? I did get 18 years of Love... 12 years of wedded bliss ... 2 years and 11 months of being parents together to our beautiful girls.. It's so NOT FAIR... Am I being punished for something I did when I was younger by the big guy upstairs? Or is it some stupid Cosmic thing that I don't yet know about or understand? I feel so freaking selfish lately.. such a freaking drama queen if you want to go that far. A friend of mine last night told me that it will get alot worse before it gets better.. I'm only at the almost 2 month mark and she was telling me that from 4 to 6 months is really bad and then it will get better. I guess it's good that she told me... since I really don't remember much from when Dad died 10 years ago... I don't remember the pain being this bad.. Maybe I've blocked it out.. I just know that it hurts something awful right now. I'm guessing that it will eventually get better just not yet..

Knitting Update

So I've been insanely focused lately on all things Lee, Cheryl and girls here and I thought that I'd give a somewhat quick update on the socks... They are progressing nicely when I have time to work on them.. I had to take a break from them while Lee was sick since I could not concentrate on anything but Lee and his health and what was going to happen and how to deal with it all. I've been back working on them now for a few weeks mostly while at knitting group on Wednesday nights and sometimes when I'm at the toy store and it's been slow or there isn't anything else to do while there. Hopefully I'll be done with them soon. I'm approaching the Toe but it's slow going at times. I am thankful that I rewrote the pattern out with all the repeats marked for myself so I know how much knitting I need to do.. and that I kept my notes from the first go round with sock #1 for when I start to question myself.. That happens alot and today i actually zoned out while knitting the pattern round (needle) and did a Row 3 when I should have done a Row 2. thankfully I realized it and was able to fix it rather quickly.. the knitting ladies and dude will be proud..

Not Yet.....

I thought things were starting to get easier... that I wasn't missing Lee as much. That life was starting to get into a more normal rhythm.. and then it happened.. the universe shifted again.. Noone died.. but it still shifted for me.. Two events made it really obvious.. 1) a friend and I took our kids to the zoo on Saturday... unknown to me her husband was coming with us also.. there was a quick carseat shuffle to make sure that everyone could fit in the minivan and be comfortable...he's a nice guy.. very friendly but I was insanely jealous by the end of the day.. mostly because she had a second person to help her with her kids that afternoon to get her sleeping kids inside and to review the day with later.. 2) I was relaxing during lunch today and was reading my romance novel and the main character had to restrain herself from sniffing the character that (i'm guessing) she'll eventually be involved with's aftershave smell.. and I realized that I will never again get to smell the scent of Lee mixed with his aftershave of choice...Old Spice.. I had to put the book down and find his bottle of Old spice and inhale many times to even remember that Lee used to smell like that since at first I couldn't remember what he smelled like.

There were a couple other moments that unhinged me also. Lily and I were talking tonight and she told me that Daddy sick.. I agreed since it's the easier thing for me.. unfortunately Anna heard her and said No Daddy died.. (I told her in a moment of sleep deprivation).. that almost started a huge war but I just agreed with both of them that yes Daddy is sick and yes daddy died and left it there. Tomorrow the child Grief Counselor will be here and hopefully she can give me more advice about what to tell the girls.. and how to handle things. I am looking so forward to that.

Now we are Three

So on May 12th the girls officially turned 3 years old at 4:32 and 4:52 PM... They decided that waking me at these same times (except at the AM side of things) would be such a great thing to do.. So we started our Birthday on the early side this year.

They went to EI playgroup with a bag that had a dozen mini cupcakes in it to celebrate with their friends and teachers and then went to Grandma's house to spend the afternoon and to finally open the packages that came from their Uncles Alan and Ted and their wives Debbie and Debi. They also got to talk to their Uncle Teddy on my cell phone and got to hear him sing Happy Birthday to them and they got a small chance to chat with him too. They received clothing from Al and Debbie and swim stuff from Ted and Debi along with a nice dress each.

Later that afternoon I went to work and Lily decided that her official first act as a Three Year Old would be to throw up 4x in the space of 2 hours. I took her to the hospital right after she went for #5 and she had a small episode once we were waiting in the Pedi ER wait area to be called to see a doctor. Thankfully a Zofran was prescribed and after one lollipop, a popsicle and a sippy cup of Juice later, she was released and feeling better enough to get some sleep at Grandma's house.

Saturday we had their party and they made out like little bandits.. They got a ton of new toys to play with and a pile of clothing to wear this summer. They also got some giftcards for shopping and Mommy can't wait to take them. The cupcakes and the mini cake were a big hit and just about were gone the day of the party. I also had made Cookies and then Grandma got a fruit tray, some Pizza rolls and Party Mix. Everything was popular.. after cake and presents we let the kids loose in the backyard and everyone seemed to have a great time.

I missed having Lee with us to celebrate the day but I strongly believe that he was looking down on us and seeing it all anyway. Hopefully this year will be filled with all sorts of milestones. We are already working on learning to go Potty and have had a few successes. Anna even wore panties today for 3 hours before having an accident. We are getting used to sleeping in our Toddler beds and will be starting daycare this week.

Little Things

So this past week was a hard one to get through.. This past week included the one month mark since Lee passed, the girls' 3rd Birthday and their Birthday Party. I made it through though.. just barely.. Thank goodness for good friends and family members who helped me make it past these 3 milestones. I have one left for this month to go and that will happen this week.

Lee would have been 52 years old on this coming Friday the 20th. I may need major handholding for this milestone. Dependent on the weather I may go up to the cemetary to visit him alone. I have not been to the cemetary since we buried him on April 16th. I tried to go a couple of weeks ago but the rain and lack of my picnic blanket to sit on held me back from visiting. I need to get there.. no matter what. Maybe I'll bring some flowers with me even though the marker I bought isn't there yet. I so hope it goes well...

There are so many little reminders of Lee around the apartment... his little pot of lip balm wax on the lamp in our bedroom, his shoes on the floor in our room, his hat hanging in the hall, jackets and various t-shirts in the hall closet and his clothing in our bedroom closet. I can't even think about moving anything yet.. I'm not ready to do it and wonder if I ever will..

I think I'm back..

I've been pretty quiet for a little bit lately.. totally understandable I'm sure with all that I am dealing with everyday since Lee passed away. Tonight I was able to get the girls basically to bed on my own... Go Me... I made myself sit in their room with my back on the door and basically tuned Anna screaming next to me out and held Lily to me while she eventually fell asleep on me. I need more nights like tonight where I am able to get them to bed ON MY OWN.

Yesterday I had a bad day with the girls and eventually called Grandma to rescue me so I could go and see my knitting friends. I actually even got some knitting done too.. slight blip on my sock with the pattern row but what the heck.. it's a design element at this point since I'm not going to unknit my progress from last night. It felt so great to be knitting again. It had been just about a month since I was even able to knit at all since I was too upset to even think about knitting even though I usually had it with me just in case I felt the need to actually do any knitting.

I'm slowly getting all sorts of stuff done that needs to get done. I went to look at Grave Markers today and I just about had a breakdown while there. I need to go up to the Cemetary and look at the markers that my family already has up there and see if I can attempt to get something that is similar if not a total match.

I'm also realizing that although I am getting things done, there is a big list of stuff that I need to do that I have no clue how to do or go about doing. Such as some of the utility bills that only have Lee's name on them. I need to make the time to get those changed to just my name. Thankfully I have time to get most of the stuff that is on my lists done. As my therapist said to me the other day.. 'How do you eat an Elephant? One bite at a time.' So that is what I will be doing. Tackling things one bite at a time until I have done everything that I need to do.

Easter 2011

I was so busy with Lee and everything else that I almost forgot about Easter this year.. Luckily I had bought dresses for the girls way back in the beginning of March so I at least had that taken care of. Girls and I got invited to an Easter Egg Hunt for today at my cousin's house. We went and had a great time after a really brief crying jag on my Aunt's shoulder when she asked me how I really am doing and I got hit by a wave of emotion that I couldn't ignore. The girls had a great time and that's what mattered most. That is that they have great memories of the fun that they had today. Very thankful that we had that to look forward to and do today.

Yesterday my work had a Community Egg Hunt at the park near my mom's house. We arrived a little wet (it was raining) and a few minutes late and wound up missing the entire hunt itself. Somehow 5000 eggs were all snatched up in mere moments. Thankfully we ran into some friends that were willing to share their eggs with us. My boss made sure that the girls got a few more eggs each and we left with quite a few pink and green balloons to play with at Grandma's house. I guess we'll try again next year. We did get a picture or two with the Easter Bunny and a reporter for the local paper took our picture too.

Now that Easter is over, I'm looking forward to a week that will hopefully keep me busy enough to not dwell on the shoulda, woulda, couldas that float into my brain at a moment's notice and make me sad and mad at the same time. I head back to the toy shop on Thursday and am looking forward to it. Nights are really hard for me right now. I'm not totally good at being alone for too long yet with the girls but I'm hoping to get back to something resembling 'normal' soon enough. In the meantime it's all about keeping me and the girls busy.

Been awhile

I've been extremely busy with other stuff... most of it had to do with Lee.
He passed away on April 11th and I haven't been myself since. I did have a CarePages page for him but I've decided to stop posting there. I'll keep it up so that I can read it whenever I want to. The link there is http://www.carepages.com/carepages/OurDaddy .

The girls and I are doing the best that you can expect at the moment. There are lots of tears from all 3 of us.. Lily has not been having a good day today.. she's been really clingy and whiny. Not a good combo when I'm not feeling too confident in myself and my abilities yet. I need to keep myself going though. I have to stay strong and find my new balance for myself and my girls. That is what Lee would have wanted.

Untitled for a reason

You all know that I tend to ramble and today is going to be no different.

I've been dealing with quite a bit as of late. Most of my friends and family know the news already. Lee is dying. My wonderful husband of almost 12 years is laying in a bed at a Hospice dying. Our relationship (all 18 years) has seen more ups and downs than the stock market at times. I still love and care for Lee more than anyone will ever understand. I am going to miss him something awful and the girls I know will be very upset also. My world is getting much smaller on a daily basis. I am lucky to have so many people in our lives that care and will be there for us no matter what.

Some Updates

I haven't been blogging lately... sorry to anyone that actually reads this space besides me. Life has been busier than usual lately. Our family has been going through some challenges over the past couple of weeks and I have been putting my time and energy into that stuff lately. Plus I feel like I've been doing all I can to keep myself sane. This includes getting some knitting done. I'm happy to report that my second lace sock is going rather well. I just turned the heel tonight and now need to work on picking up the stitches that I haven't been working with to rejoin the sock together.

Anna and Lily have been working on giving up on their naps lately. They've both been giving us big fights about taking naps so we have been experimenting with this and not napping them at all. Bedtime has been quite a bit easier to get through since they are so exhausted and they are falling asleep quickly the past week or so now. Maybe once we get through this we can actually put their toddler beds together and move them out of the cribs. Hopefully that will be before or just after their 3rd birthday.

They are both also working on Potty Training (Learning). Anna has actually peed on the potty a total of 3 times (once when her panties and diaper were still dry). Lily is working on the staying dry aspect more than trying to sit on the potty at this point. There's no real pressure from us on this front at the moment so keeping it all on their timetable rather than ours.

I think that's it for the moment. Or at least all I have time for since I need to go put myself to bed. It's going to be another busy week for us.

Easier than I thought

Tonight I had what I thought was going to be a hard conversation with the girls at dinner. Anna started it for me thankfully. We've had pictures of both my Dad and Lee's Dad up for a while now on the wall by the kitchen table plus a picture of my Dad in a nice frame that a former co-worker had given me a while ago. Tonight Anna pointed at the picture of my Dad in the frame (taken just a few days before he died) and asked "Who that?". I told her that it was a picture of her Grandpa and that he would love to know her and Lily. So we talked (me mostly) about him and the picture (He on chair. He have pillow.). During the conversation she would ask or say "That Grandpa" and I'd tell her that yes that is your Grandpa and My Daddy, Mommy's Daddy. I told her that I will tell her and Lily all sorts of stories someday about my Daddy and that he was a nice guy. His name was John.

Later she saw the 2 pictures of my Dad and Lee's Dad on the wall and asked "Who that?" (pointing towards Walter's picture). So Lee told her that it is a picture of his Dad. Daddy's Dad. She then pointed to the other picture (my dad) and asked "Who that?". That's Mommy's daddy. That might have confused her a little since it's a picture of my Dad at a year or maybe around age 2 (he's wearing short sleeves and shorts and was born in the winter). I didn't hear the whole conversation since I was busy cleaning up at this point.

I have to admit that as much as I have prepared myself for this conversation, it was still hard to have. There are so many things that I want to tell them about my Dad and how much I loved him and how cheated I feel that he never got to see or do. I hold tight to my weird belief that somehow my Dad knows that these beautiful little girls exist and that he's watching out over all of us. The conversation though was alot easier than I thought it would be. I kept it to what they wanted to know (Lily was on my lap eating and listening mostly). Answered the questions that were asked and didn't give any extra info that they wouldn't understand at this point. It was a good icebreaker for all of us. We'll see where it goes from here.

Surprise !!!!

Anna is full of all sorts of surprises lately... She has peed on the potty twice for us.. only thing is that she will only produce (so far) on a Saturday and only in the morning. We have been cheering wildly for her and making a huge deal out of it and giving her a sticker for her chart when she does produce. Lily on the other hand seems to be watching what Anna does and is taking her cues from her. So far no actual pee pee from her in the potty but she'll get there in her own time. Lily likes to wear her big girl panties instead of pull-ups lately. Today actually she wore them and kept them dry for almost 2 whole hours before she had a pee accident. Not too shabby. She did try the potty a couple of times though during that time period.

Anna has a new 'game' that she likes to play with us lately.. it's called 'I have a surprise'. How it works is that she takes something and puts it behind her back and then says 'I have a 'prise for you'. Sometimes it's my book that I'm reading, her cup, a toy, her special little girl knife that I let her use for making Peanut Butter sandwiches or even a shoe. When she is ready to show you what she has she does a big reveal and shouts out "Surprise!!". It's really really cute. I look forward to this game everytime she plays it.

The Knitting Gods must be Crazy

Trying really hard not to tempt the Knitting Gods into making me slip up on the 2nd sock.

I've been really really careful on the 2nd sock so far. My only mistakes that I can tell are not doing a yarn forward once or twice (I think) and not having the correct number of stitches. Thankfully I have been remembering some very sage advice that I got from a friend that told me that I can sort of fudge things and pick up the yarn bridge between stitches to make a stitch if needed and hopefully noone will notice. A huge plus of knitting something that has a lace pattern is that there are supposed to be holes, so if an extra one pops up, it's not a huge problem.

I really am impressed with myself on this second sock so far. I haven't had to frog any of it. I'm currently past the point where I went majorly off track with the first sock and had to frog it 3 times before I got it right and had a completed sock. I think the biggest reason for the difference is that I actually have directions that are correct this time since I took the time to write out the directions for myself after going through the stress of incorrect pattern directions for the first sock and having to get them corrected quite a few times by friends and by going to the website for the pattern maker to look for corrections. Hopefully I'll soon have a complete pair of socks and then I can work on my next few projects. I still have 2 blankets on needles and want to start to make my nieces and my own girls a sweater each for Christmas. I need a really simple pattern for that. If anyone knows of one please let me know (sizes 3/4T - my girls , 6/8 - for D and 8/10 - for S).

Dear Santa

I regret to inform you that it is now almost March and you are still here. Yes I know that Lily is attached to you lately quite a bit. But you need to move on and head back to the North Pole very soon. I think a couple of your friends are stilling hanging out with you here too. Please let them know that they need to head back to the North Pole soon too since we need to start getting ready for a new friend that is coming to town soon. We will look forward to your return after Thanksgiving. Till then we have so many other friends to play with that we are looking forward to meeting while you are gone such as the Lucky the Leprechaun, the Easter Bunny, the Great Pumpkin and Tom Turkey.

With Love,

Mommy Ringen

Presenting Princess Lily

So it started innocently enough... we were basically trying to get the girls to wear nightgowns one night and they weren't really into it till we told them that Princesses wear them.. Then they discovered Angelina Ballerina and all the nightgowns and dresses that we own turned (almost magically) into Princesses and Ballerinas.. so now whenever they want to wear a dress they tell us that they want to be a Princess or a Ballerina.

Cut to tonight and getting ready for bed. Lee and I had decided that the girls would wear their blanket sleeper pajamas to bed since it's going to be somewhat cold tonight and they don't always like to have blankets on them while sleeping. Anna usually wears hers happily and doesn't usually ask to switch. Lily is another story entirely. The girl strips at the drop of a hat. I'm never surprised to see her running around with just a diaper and a smile. If you ask her nicely enough she will usually put on her jammies again (she loves the zipper) but sometimes she just a girl on a mission. Tonight was one of those nights.. Tonight she unzipped herself, ran around for a while in her diaper and then proceeded to the closet and asked (very very nicely) to be a Princess tonight.. luckily I have some warm nightgowns for them so she got to have the Cupcake Princess tonight. She even put it on all by herself.

The ABCs of me...

A friend of mine who has a blog that I LOVE had this type of blog today and she challenged everyone to do their own on their blogs and report back and even link back (I have no clue how to do that).. So without further adou...

A is for Anna my sweet girl who has been so good lately about listening but has been winding up in our bed by 6 or 6:30am lately.. I see stickers in her future for staying in her room till the sun is awake.

B is for Babies.. which I think I no longer have here anymore with the exception that the girls still wear diapers..

C is for Cheerios my favorite snack food ever.. probably my first snack food ever

D is for Dolls.. since I feel like we are overrun by the sheer number of them that we have at the moment.

E is for Excess and I'm working on getting rid of as much of it as I can. Mostly from the basement since there is stuff down there from when we moved in almost 12 years ago on the first floor and now we live on the 3rd.

F is for Fun even on the dreariest of days by playing Tea Party and building with blocks

G is for Girlfriends. They truly make life grand and are there when you need them.

H is for Healthy. Knock on wood let's hope we stay that way for a while.

I is for Indecision. I have a hard time making decisions at times and lately they are getting harder to make.

J is for Juggling. I've been doing quite a bit of juggling lately with my job at the toystore, care for the girls, and being a Mommy and a Wife.

K is for Knitting. It's keeping me sane lately. Which is a really good thing right now since I need some sanity in my life at the moment.

L is for Leland and Lily.. my hubby and my Baby Girl. I love them so much even though they are both giving me a run for my money at the moment.

M is for Mini Eggs and my one salvation at the moment. I only get to eat them one time of year and lately I have been really stressed and I am really trying to be good about not eating too many to get me through the current rough spots in my life.

N is for Nieces. I have two really cute ones that I got to hang out with last weekend at my Mom's and at their house.

O is for Osmonds.. Donny and Marie specifically since their CD is in my car and I don't care what anyone thinks of me.. I love to sing their songs.

P is for Potty Training (Learning). We are in the midst of this lately.. Oh what fun.

Q is for Quiet. My current favorite sound since it usually means that the girls are asleep and all is well. Though sometimes quiet is something that I don't like cause it means that the girls are doing something that I'm not going to like.

R is for Running. I haven't been running in a while now and I really need to get back into the habit since Spring is coming again and I have a few races to train for on my radar.

S is for Sleep... I really need more of it lately.

T is for Time which I feel like I am lacking as of late. Everyone seems to need me to be everywhere at once and there just isn't enough of me to go around.

U is for Understanding and compassion. Everyone needs a bit of both.

V is for Vet. I need a new one for my kitties. Any recommendations ?

W is for Weight. I have been losing some as of late.. not really sure how much since I'm not really a scale watcher..but I'm guessing it's close to 13lbs.

X is for X-rays. Lee had some done today and we are waiting for results on them.

Y is for Yarn Harlot.. I am loving her books right now and I love reading her blog. I want to be her someday.

Z is for Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz..

Oh what a (Knitting) Night

Just about every Wednesday night at about 6pm and till 8pm (closing time) I go to a Starbucks to participate in a Knitting Group. We never know who or how many people will be there so every week it's an adventure and there is quite a bit of table rearranging going on as people arrive. The past few weeks with all the snow and such there have been very few knitters on Wed nights and usually we have the place to ourselves and we can hear most of the conversations that are happening at our tables.

Tonight was an exception.. there was barely any parking available (it happens even with noone being there) and within 30 min of being there, the Starbucks was bursting with people.. 2 knitting groups (us and one other that is there occasionally), 2 guys that might have been doing an interview (they were behind me and I could hear some of their conversation), a guy on his laptop working away and various other customers that were going in and out along with the usual suspects (like the delivery guy that usually blocks all the cars in). At the end of the night I stopped and counted the number of knitters just in our group and we were one short of a dozen people. That number does not account for the one knitter who usually brings her husband along with her when she comes (he doesn't knit). If I did count him then we'd have been an even dozen. I knew of a couple people that were planning on coming but due to other stuff they didn't make it. Had they made it we would have had nowhere for them to sit anyway.

I love when this happens even though it drives my brain crazy from all the background noise that is happening. I'm still amazed that I didn't come home with a headache.

That was waiting for when I got home.. the mess that the girls made of the living room was astonishing and they even got into some birthday cards that I had bought for my best friend, her twin and my brother. I'm thankful that they "only" ripped the envelopes and not the actual cards themselves. I can repair that type of damage. Time for mommy to continue moving stuff up another level that the girls (hopefully) can't reach until they grow again.

I'm a Little .... what???

Thursdays are a fun day around here... The girls have a school day.. which means that Mommy and Daddy have 2 glorious hours to be alone in the apartment, do some much needed chores, errands or whatever else we can find to do that the girls would usually disturb us doing. After school is over for the girls and they are picked up - Mommy's here - I usually take them over to my mom's house for some Grandma time while I go to the toy shop to work for a few hours. Once I am back at my mom's house, I eat some dinner (sometimes with the girls and other times without them) and then give the girls a bath and get them ready for bed before we head home to see Daddy, watch some Caillou or Angelina Ballerina and then put the girls to bed.

This week was filled with all sorts of cuteisms from the girls...

My mom has all sorts of things hanging on the walls in her kitchen and one of them is a flat wooden teapot... Anna has seen it before but this week she decided to take it off the wall and play with it. This lead to my mom trying to sing the Teapot Song... I'm a Little Teapot... she didn't know the words at all so I had to help her with them... If I hadn't been trying to eat my dinner I would have even done the dance that I learned in PreSchool to help her remember the words.. It was hilarious to listen and watch... We got through a couple of rounds of the Teapot song before Anna tried her hand at singing it on her own.. 'I'm a little tea cup... I'm a little teacup.. tea cup tea cup... " "See me jump"... Total cuteness..

At bathtime Anna said to me (very proudly).. Momma I pooped.. So I peeled off her clothing (a dress jumper, shirt, undershirt and tights) and left her in a diaper and turned my attention to Lily and getting her clothing off (same as Anna) and taking her diaper off after I checked for any presents from her.. As I'm getting Lily done I hear the toilet flush and Anna say "Bye Poopie.. Yucky". She had taken her Pull Up off and taken the poop out and put it in the toilet all by herself before flushing it away.

I had brought home 2 boxes from the toy shop to box up the vases that I would be bringing to my cousin's florist shop so that they can recycle them for new arrangements. While boxing them up Anna followed me down to the basement and tried to help me wrap the vases. Then she and Lily found the shovels that my mom has for them to use when they want to help her shovel the snow (little kid sized). Uh oh... they wound up bringing them upstairs and pretending that they were shoveling the snow outside. Totally fine and great till I told them that we needed to go home.. they insisted that they take the shovels home... but not before they tried to 'help' Grandma shovel some of the snow that is now frozen in place.. but they wouldn't stop attempting to get some snow shoveled. My mom told me that I should start up the car and get it warm for them since they'd probably be freezing once we got them into the car. So I started the car and kiddingly said 'Bye Bye Girls".. That's all they needed. They hightailed it to the car and sat very nicely in their seats while we buckled them in while they still were holding their shovels. The drive home was fun to say the least since they kept bumping each other with them and when I finally asked them to "Stop !", Anna said "Sorry Momma... I stop now... you welcome".

Bananas now equal Gananas in Anna speak... she can say Banana or more precisely Nanas.. but lately it's turned into Ganana. It's cute but I can't wait the actual word again.

Love this song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q38Wo8PdgRU&feature=relatedhttp://

Should be Disney Girls as performed by Captain and Tennille.. one of my all time favorite songs.. Dedicated to my girls... Anna and Lily...
I didn't even know until tonight when i was surfing youtube that it originally was a Beach Boys hit. But I love it so much.. need to show it and play it for the girls at some point. I also love to sing it (I know most of the words anyway).. maybe the next time I go do a Karaoke night with friends and actually have the courage to get up and sing, I'll sing it. No promises though..

Snow much fun

So with all this snow around we need to do something with it... 2 year olds are not fun to be around when they can't go outside without possibly being lost in the snowbanks. So today I brought the snow inside for them to play with instead of bringing them out to the snow. They didn't exactly understand at first what I was doing but once I showed them, they seemed to like it and had some fun with it. We used some of their bath toys to scoop the snow and I found a small funnel for them to use to shape the snow into a cone.

We've also been doing some dancing and singing around here lately too. I was cleaning in the basement and found a Barry Manilow CD. I showed it to the girls and Anna made me put it on. I had to remind her that it was music only and no pictures.. once the music started we had a great time dancing to the music and I pulled out 2 more Barry Manilow CDs for them. They loved jumping mostly to Jump Shout Boogie and Bandstand Boogie. They also renamed Weekend in New England as the Ballerina Song. Though they only danced to it once with me.. after that they told me .. 'no Ballerina' when it came on.

Enough already

It's been snowing lately here... so much so that schools have been closed left and right... We've been shoveling out for what seems like weeks now.. there is nowhere left for the snow to go.. We've been lucky here in Malden. Our landlord has been coming by and helping us (mostly me) uncover the car and get spaces plowed out. Over at my mom's it's a different story. She lives on a corner and on a walk to school route in my hometown. So even though her sidewalks are plowed constantly and look great, there is a HUGE pile of snow on the corner of her street and the intersection of the street that leads to the school itself. The pile is so big that you can't see if anyone is coming when turning onto the main street from her driveway. Hopefully the city will come by and make the pile smaller so that it's a bit safer for everyone but until then we all need to be really careful in that area. Her street is not the only one like this. There are quite a few like this.. How do I know??? Well for the past 2 Monday afternoons I've been volunteering in the Mayor's Office and answering the phones. The phone calls that I get are sometimes funny... like the little old lady that wanted to talk to the Mayor himself.. about the snow and how she lives on a Dead End street and they have nowhere else to put the snow. I forwarded that one to the Exec Asst. I also get people who need birth certificates for their kids.. I transfer those to the City Clerk's office.

Done Part Two...

I did it. I made it to the end of the lace sock. Once again I had a small issue since I needed more yarn than what was in the ball that I had. Trying to remember if I had cut anything off the ball when I started for the Fourth time, but I doubt that I did. Thankfully I had thought ahead and found an extra ball on Ravelry - in the same dye lot - for the second sock since the very first ball I used got a bit shortened when I had to rip out the entire sock the first time and I was worried that something like this would happen. So to help me finish the first sock I had to use the ball of yarn that I had rerolled - rewound? - and find the section of color that I was currently using and go from there. It came out really great.

Here are some pretty pictures for you ..

I totally love the details.. So many people have asked if the lacework is actually a cable. It's not. It's just the way that the pattern went.

I'm jonesing to start the second sock.. but I'll wait till tomorrow.. It's probably going to be a(nother) Snow Day and it's already getting pretty late.

Time for bed.. maybe before I start the second sock I'll make myself some check off charts since this was a nightmare of a pattern to follow and it was written completely wrong in many many places. My notes are all over the pattern and I need to streamline them somehow or there will be major hairpulling, screaming and screeching going on otherwise. Plus I'll already know how many times I need to do the repeats and where I need to go in the pattern to get it all done correctly the First time... or so I can hope.

Done

Stick a fork in me... I'm done...
Today was the funeral.. it was small but poignant and went well.. the girls attended and they did great. Took them to the Funeral Home with us and I made sure to show them Great Grandma and tell them that she is sleeping now and that she was a beautiful lady that I will tell them more about someday. I also showed them the DVD movie that my brother put together in tribute to Nana. They really liked the section with Baby Mommy in it. We moved on to the church for the Funeral itself. That went really well. Anna was very quiet and thoughtful during the ceremony. Lily at one point would up with my SIL, Brother and their kids since I presented the Gifts along with my Cousin Jen as the only Granddaughters of our Grandmother. Anna wound up with them too after Communion.

On our way to the cemetary, we wound up witnessing an accident on the highway. There was a car that swerved to avoid our procession (we had just gotten onto the highway) and wound up making other cars swerve and a van wound up going up a snowbank in the fastest lane and flipping on it's side. I still am shaking a little after seeing that happen. When we arrived at the cemetary we had to all take a collective moment to catch our breaths and talk about what we had seen before continuing on with the burial.

Once that part was over we all started gathering roses and other flowers to take home with us. I made sure to grab a red rose and started asking those that might know where approximately my Dad is buried so I could leave him the rose. My brother wound up helping me figure it out and gave me a nice hug of understanding and even asked if I felt ok enough to drive to the restaurant that we were having lunch at.

Lunch was loads of fun.. We sat five of the six (6) little girls at a table mostly to themselves. My SIL and Lee sat with them. My brothers and one of our male cousins (there are 5 boys and 2 girls in the grand kid line up for Nana and Papa) sat at a table that was at the opposite end from the kids and the rest of us (my 2 aunts, uncle, mom, cousin Jen, her daughter, my Nana's niece, her husband,daughter and myself) at the table in between. Lily joined us at one point but then wound up playing with the rest of the kids once they had mostly eaten.

We talked, reminisced about Nana and generally relaxed after the stress of the past couple of days.

Once home I got word of the death of a good friend of mine's mother. I didn't enjoy making the phone call to my mom to let her know since we are friends with the family. That funeral is Monday morning and I hope that I can make an appearance to be supportive to my friend and her very extended family.

I think that I might be turning in early tonight.

Nana's wake

We celebrated Nana's life tonight... it went pretty well. Relatives that we weren't sure would show came and paid their respects. My brother had compiled a DVD with my Dad's old home movies starting in the early sixties and ending in the mid 80's (we think). It was entertaining to watch and nice to see and be reminded of so many relatives that had already passed. There were so many pictures there too. The minister from my church came and paid her respects to my remaining uncle and other relatives that were there.

The funeral home did a great job on Nana and making her look more like the Nana that we all knew and loved so well. In the words of my cousin's almost 3 year old daughter "Meme looks like Meme again".

Tomorrow will be an even longer day for all of us.. There will probably be some tears shed... and probably plenty of laughter too. But most importantly Nana will be totally in peace tomorrow and reunited with my grandfather, Dad, uncle, her brothers and sisters and parents.

Nana, you were so loved here and you will truly be missed. I really hope and pray that someday I get to be as lucky as you and get to live a life that was full like yours. I just don't want the Alzheimer's diagnosis. Love forever, your little Cherie.

On a more Positive note..

my lace sock is doing well these days.. It is growing steadily as I work on it.. and just think when it is done, I get to do it all over again to make the second sock. Ugh. The gusset has been finished and I'm working on the just knit around and around phase.. though with this sock there is a pattern so the heel stitches are in the knit all the stitches phase and the pattern stitches are still being knitted according to the pattern that I have established till I am within 2" of my toes phase.

It's these pattern stitches that have been giving me fits as of late. So last night at knitting group I made sure to sit in the vicinity of Obi Wan K-nitty (aka Aaron).. and something amazing happened... the Jedi Knitter vibes took over my knitting and the pattern stitches somehow sorted themselves out.. I didn't all of the sudden have extra stitches trying to be part of the pattern like I was having problems with last week. I even brought the sock to work today and got a few rounds of knitting done between customers. Hopefully if no other problems crop up out of the blue, I should have a finished sock in no time and then I will get to do it all again. But this time I'll have my notes and check off lists to help me (hopefully) only need 1 try to get it right and not 4 tries like the first sock did.

Dear Anonymous:

I really don't like your comments.. if you feel the need to comment on something please be man or woman enough to sign your name.. or make one up. Signing something as Anonymous means that - to me- you are a coward, that you don't want to be responsible for your actions/words.

When I feel the need to comment on someone else's blog or post - be it on a board for moms or even facebook - I always sign my name. Even if what I have to say is not going to be met with anything positive in response. I always sign my name and take responsibility for my words. I apologize when I have wronged someone or said something inappropriate. I might even feel deep down that I am correct in my information or opinion, but I try my best to make amends.

I also don't appreciate the timing. I am in mourning and about to bury my grandmother. Talk about kicking a person when they are down.

So Anonymous... I offer you a compromise:

If you come forward and tell me who you are I will not be mad. I will not talk negatively about your actions. I'd be willing to talk it out with you and get to a mutual understanding even if we have to agree to disagree.

If you decide not to reveal yourself, that is fine too. It will be on your conscious that you decided to do this and someday what you have done will bite you in the hindquarters and that is enough consolation for me.

RIP Nana Sarno

My grandmother finally passed today.. I'm ok... really. Ok I'm a little numb but at the same time I feel at peace. She was 96 years old and a feisty lady in her younger days. She had really good baking skills and could make a great Lemon Meringue Pie - though my mom's is just as good if not better. She taught us all sorts of card games such as Go Fish and King's Corner. She loved to dance and would sing as she put on her various lotions each day. One time while I was visiting her in Florida she took me and my Dad to Daytona Beach - my only trip there ever- and we parked right on the beach and even let me sunbathe on the hood of her car. That was quite the experience.

I remember that when I got my driver's license that she sent me a nice keychain that had "New Driver" written on it. I think I still have it somewhere. She always remembered our birthdays and never minded the little kid chatter and silence when she called us or we called her on the phone. I was thrilled when she moved back to MA from FL in 1996. She and my Papa Sarno- my grandfather - had moved to FL when I was 2 and I missed having her around even though she came to visit just about every summer starting in 1979.

She attended my wedding in 1999 and also attended my cousin's wedding a few weeks later but looking at the photos today, we could see that Alzheimer's was already starting to claim her from us even then. When my Dad died in 2001, she was already a patient in a lockdown Alzheimer's unit and we didn't have the heart to tell her that he was gone. Thirteen months later we didn't have the heart to tell her that her youngest son had passed also. Hopefully today when she saw them in Heaven she wasn't too mad at us for not telling her. But she might have been too busy reuniting with my grandfather to be too upset.

Love you Nana... you were a wonderful Grandmother and will be missed.

Madeline Izzo Sarno 5/9/1914 - 1/19/2011

Stressed backwards spells Desserts

subtitle: Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.

I am a really nice person. I have my moments of totally bitch on wheels at times but I really and truly in my heart of hearts am a Nice person. I need a break though. Luckily, thanks to a really great friend, I'll be getting a break soon enough.

Nana still isn't doing all that well. I got a message from my brother today that her breathing is getting shallower but that she's still alive. Hopefully she'll pass soon but as one of the nurses that I talked with on Saturday said, she's a stubborn lady. This might drag itself out a bit longer.

I did get lucky today twice though. 1st instance was at Old Navy. My brother had gone online to get some presents for A&L and had them shipped to my mom's house. There was 2 of everything he had ordered except for one item that stated on the receipt would be shipped separately. So we waited, and waited. I finally called the Customer Service number and found out that it was no longer available but that I could try to find it at a retail store or exchange the one that I had for something else. So Mom and I along with the girls headed over to the mall today and found the item we needed. The only downside was that it was a 2T and not a 3T but now the girls can wear them somewhat together - A is more of a 3T and L is more of a 2T lately. Best part... they only cost me $5.99 total. The second instance was at Payless Shoes since I've been looking for some slippers for the girls that they can hopefully wear and not outgrow in a few weeks. I came upon a BOGO 50% off sale. I also found one pair of Dora slippers for L in size 7-8 and one pair of Princess slippers for A in size 7-8. The clerk was so nice and helped me clip all the tags so that the girls could wear them as they strolled the mall in their umbrella strollers. Total cost with the BOGO was $14.99 since the Princess ones came up at $12.99 and the Dora ones were $4 but I got them for half that or $2.

The girls have been putting us through the wringer lately since they have been cooped up inside for too long. So I took them to Grandma's yesterday to let them run around and play and hopefully nap. While there Anna told me that I am her best friend... awww... and Lily finally took a nap. Anna also has a new saying that we love to say back to her.. 'Come back here.... I like you.' They've also had some really bad runny noses lately too. Last night I finally got Anna to take some medicine and tonight when I offered it to her she willingly took more. If only I could get Lily to take some too. The poor kid - Lily- has been snoring so badly lately that she is rivaling her daddy.

Oh one last cuteism.. lately when you ask Anna a question or say that she's - fill in the blank - she'll say 'No I'm Anastasia'. Too cute.

Feeling Random tonight

so here are some random thoughts from me...

1. I am so glad that I found the last Wine Cooler in the fridge..

2. I really needed it

3. Visiting Nana wasn't that bad today... but a little harder than it was last week

4. I can't believe that I screwed up the socks ... again

5. I'm starting to thing that the socks will never get done.. and I really want to finish them

6. I think the girls are going stir crazy from being inside since Tuesday night...

7. I really don't want to lose one of them in a snowbank

8. that would be really bad

9. Tomorrow i am doing a deep clean of the apartment

10. I'll leave the girls room for Thursday... when they are at school

11. it will go quicker that way

12. I so need a massage.. but that costs $$$$ that we don't have

13. The basement is starting to look tons better since I've been deep cleaning down there also

14. 4 big black bags and 3 little white bags later... I also have quite a few donations to make to my cousin's florist shop and to a teacher friend of mine.

15. I still have tons to do down in the basement but I'll get it done.

16. My wine cooler is almost gone.. correction... it is gone..

Memories

I got some news tonight that has me feeling nostalgic... My Grandmother (I called her Nana) is not doing well and may pass away very soon. I've felt conflicted about her the past few years.. She has Alzheimer's and hasn't known me in years. I don't like visiting her too much since I prefer to remember her the way that she was and not as the way she has been for the past almost 12 years. She shares her date of birth with my oldest niece and I've always thought that was a really cool thing for my niece to share with her great grandma. I remember when Sammie turned 2 and Nana turned 90 that we took Sammie to go and visit with Nana and how upset Sammie was that we were leaving the balloons that we had brought for Nana.

I also remember

• the brownie incident that happened at our house when Nana attempted to make her delicious brownies and wound up burning them so badly that we couldn't eat them.
• how when she would be staying at our house in the summer that she got to sleep in my bed and I would sleep on a cot next to my bed.
• the card games that she taught me to play and how sometime a game of Go Fish would turn into us picking up cards till one of us got what we needed.
• visiting her in Florida and seeing the care that she took with her skincare regimen and that she would sing as she put her various creams on her face.

I hope and believe that when she does eventually pass (whether it's this week or some time further down the line) that she will be greeted with open arms by Papa (my grandfather) , my Dad and my Uncle Alan who passed before her along with her brothers and sisters that are up there too.

In a Funk

I admit I messed up... I posted on a mommy board about how well Lee and I have been doing lately and well let's say that my timing and wording was off... big time. I admitted my mistake once it was pointed out to me.. but the responses have put me into a funk over the past couple of days. I'm not mean or manipulative.. I didn't do it intentionally. Shall I mention that the responses rolled in on a day that is not usually a good calendar day for me.. and made what was shaping up to be a good day for once, into a not so good day.

I feel like I am surrounded lately by people who are having relationship problems and all I was doing was sharing my one little ray of sunshine. Unfortunately (like I said above) my timing and wording was off. Then again even before the responses came in I jinxed myself anyway by posting something happy and light on this particular board.

So I'm going to be treading lightly there for now.. I'll still post but I'll be more careful about what I say and how I say it. In the meantime... I just need a hug..