Some Musings of Late

Lately I think my mind is playing tricks on me... I drove past the train station the other day and happened to notice the people coming out of the station. I swear I looked for Lee in the crowd since I used to go and pick him up there almost every evening till the girls were born. Today I went into Harvard Square and wound up at the Harvard Coop. I made a beeline to the Children's books department half expecting to see him there (he had worked there while we were dating and for the first little bit of our marriage). I also walked down Church Street looking for our favorite sandwich shop ... ironically called Lee's Sandwich Shop. It's gone now.. I had been hoping to have my lunch there today. Maybe that was for the best since I wasn't sure if I would have been able to eat anything since we ate there so much while dating and the memories might be too much.

I dislike that I'm becoming like the girls.. looking for him everywhere and expecting to see him at some point. I'm the adult... I should be able to get through this. My head and heart know that he is gone forever, but there is a small part of me that keeps hoping that he'll come back. That probably sounds insane but I want him back. I can't keep thinking about how different things might be if Lee were still here. How I might be able to look for jobs without having to rearrange my life to be able to get the girls where I need to get them at a reasonable time so that I can go to a job with regularish 9-5 hours. That I'd still have someone to talk over the days with and be silly with. That Lee would be planning all sorts of fun trips and things to do that are nearby and don't cost much to do. That we would be going to Storyland together and sharing the experience of watching the girls on their first true amusement rides. I'm so grateful that my brother is doing this for us. He'd actually planned it all before Lee died and I'm glad that we are going anyway but it feels a bit bittersweet for me at the moment.