Not Yet.....

I thought things were starting to get easier... that I wasn't missing Lee as much. That life was starting to get into a more normal rhythm.. and then it happened.. the universe shifted again.. Noone died.. but it still shifted for me.. Two events made it really obvious.. 1) a friend and I took our kids to the zoo on Saturday... unknown to me her husband was coming with us also.. there was a quick carseat shuffle to make sure that everyone could fit in the minivan and be comfortable...he's a nice guy.. very friendly but I was insanely jealous by the end of the day.. mostly because she had a second person to help her with her kids that afternoon to get her sleeping kids inside and to review the day with later.. 2) I was relaxing during lunch today and was reading my romance novel and the main character had to restrain herself from sniffing the character that (i'm guessing) she'll eventually be involved with's aftershave smell.. and I realized that I will never again get to smell the scent of Lee mixed with his aftershave of choice...Old Spice.. I had to put the book down and find his bottle of Old spice and inhale many times to even remember that Lee used to smell like that since at first I couldn't remember what he smelled like.

There were a couple other moments that unhinged me also. Lily and I were talking tonight and she told me that Daddy sick.. I agreed since it's the easier thing for me.. unfortunately Anna heard her and said No Daddy died.. (I told her in a moment of sleep deprivation).. that almost started a huge war but I just agreed with both of them that yes Daddy is sick and yes daddy died and left it there. Tomorrow the child Grief Counselor will be here and hopefully she can give me more advice about what to tell the girls.. and how to handle things. I am looking so forward to that.