Feeling so sad

Nothing is majorly wrong.. but today was not such a good day for me.. I'm so definitely feeling the whole hormonal pregnant woman thing today. I want to cry, scream, rant, rave and so not be an adult today but I have to.. there are no other choices left. Maybe over the next couple of days I'll have enough prospective to be able to post something about how today was such a bad day for me but right now I'm feeling so wrung out and all I want to do is cry but knowing myself the way that I do, I'll probably wind up cleaning something to relieve the frustration and pent up energy that I am feeling at the moment, which is never a bad thing to do. Especially here.

Miscellaneous Stuff

I sometimes hate Sundays.. why you ask? Because it's usually the day of the week that Lee's brother from CA calls in regard to their mom. Lee is usually able to get through the calls and I've taken to listening in on the second line so I have all the information too. After these calls are over though it's a whole different ball of wax and I just don't know what to do anymore for him. I try so hard to be there for him emotionally and hold him while he emotes but it's getting harder and harder and since I've already been down this road with my Nana (and countless other relatives) it breaks my heart too even though I must be strong for Lee. Why must life be so gosh darn hard at times ??? Why can't it be easy answers most of the time? (please don't feel like a response is needed) I hate this road with a passion. I really do. I hate seeing the people that I care about so much hurting. I have this need to make it all better somehow but I know in my heart that I can't fix things with a kiss or a hug. Today it really didn't help that at church the minister asked us to pull up a treasured memory or snapshot of our grandfather. I was practically in tears when I tried to pull up a memory of my Papa (the only grandfather I knew) and with the exception of his death (great 1st memory to have), I came up blank and then my mind slightly wandered to my Dad and how much he'd be loving these babies of mine to be and how he would be one of the greatest grandpas (or Papas) ever. Which then got me thinking about what if anything I'd have to tell my baby girls about their grandfathers (since both of them are gone now). I'm sure that Lee will have his memories and thoughts to share about his dad but I couldn't even begin to think about what I'd say about my dad. Where would I ever start and when the heck would I ever end? I actually think at some point they'd be telling me to stop talking about him. Maybe this is the WHY as to why family and traditions are so big to me. Why I make it such a big deal to spend time with my family (this includes Lee's family) whenever I can. Why I don't mind being the Family Historian and keeping the Family Trees as up to date as I can (I actually worked on it for 2+ hours tonight). I need those connections since I feel that they make me WHO I AM. Heck of a way to define myself.
Maybe I'll just chalk up tonight's tears and woes to the ever present Pregnancy Hormones that are constantly flowing through me lately though that's not much of an excuse.
Guessing that I'm going to need my glass of Sparkling Cider tonight more than I thought.
The Patriots just lost... Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Say It ain't so

I got a phone call last night about my Grandmother last night from my oldest brother. It seems that she is possibly dying and only has a few days to live. I'm going to miss her quite a bit. I have spent the last 3 years not visiting her since for me it is so hard to see her since until maybe 8 years ago she was a strong and vibrant person who was just getting older and starting to make mistakes. She has Alzheimer's and hasn't known who I am for a few years now which is hard for me to deal with. When my dad died a few years ago she would ask about him all the time and unfortunately we would lie to her.. tell her that he had just been there and didn't she remember seeing him just a few minutes ago. Not nice of us to do to her but it was the only thing that we could think of to get her off the subject. She just turned 93 in May and shares a birthdate with my oldest niece (they are 88 years apart in age) . According to my brother she is comfortable and no longer eating. Death is considered imminent and I'm hoping that she at least is still with us on Sunday. I want to say Goodbye to her.. It's only right.

Life Sucks

I've had a really bad week this week... I kept holding out hope though for a piece of good news that I was really hoping to get on Tuesday.. but it never came, so back to square 1 once again. Hopefully for the last time..

Has it been a Year already???

Today has been a hard day... my horoscope predicted a bad day... I should have listened.. ugh... I'm not going into it... too depressing and I'm already depressed enough... cause one year ago today was my last day with the Toddlers..

I can't believe it's truly been a year.. some days it feels longer and other days it seems like yesterday.. It had started out as a fairly normal day (though it was raining so we had to go to the playroom instead of outside).. the kids were doing well, no one had gotten into trouble (including me).. and it was hopefully going to be a better day.. (kid got bit the day before and I got a warning that anything else happened I was out). Then we went to the playroom and the kids were playing somewhat nicely.. or as nicely as 10-12 Toddlers can play. I was guarding a door and Stacey and Jessica had most of the floor space covered.. but as usual weren't truly paying attention.,. I was busy making sure that noone tried to escape on us.. and my attention was on the kids nearest me.. then it happened.. the same kid as the day before got bit over a walking toy.. argh... I was so upset i had to excuse myself and run to the ladies room so the kids wouldn't see me cry or hear me swear.. composed myself and went back to the playroom to help get the kids back downstairs and tell Patty what had happened.. I was quickly taken to a seperate room and told to wait and then sent to get lunch and go to the other site to wait for the Director to deal with me. It was a LONG wait.. finally at approx 3:30pm I was told that my employment was over. Go back and turn in your stuff. get your belongings and say goodbye to the kidlets..

That was a year ago..

I often wonder about the kids and how they are doing.. most of the kids that were in that room are now Preschoolers .. or have moved away. I think about visiting but know that it would cause a major disruption.. I tried a year ago to get another childcare job but it didn't happen for me.. I'm back to working in an office setting.. which I like but I so miss the kids..

this all doesn't excuse my actions today on a board I frequent.. but it is a part of how my day went today..