Reflections

Tonight is my last night in my 30's. I posted something about that on my FaceBook wall and a friend commented that I need to write a book. I think this blog is the closest I will ever get to doing that since if you look back at this blog over the past few years anyone could see that my life is not book worthy even though I've seen, done and been through a lot in my 40 years.

This past decade though has seen more highs and lows that I could have ever imagined in a lifetime. In reflecting on just these last 10 years though I've noticed that I am so not the same person I was 10 years ago or even 15 years ago when I got married to the guy that I met when I was 18 and thought I would be with for the rest of my life till we were in our 80s or 90s and surrounded by grandkids and maybe even great grandkids. Unfortunately that wasn't to be. I might still be surrounded by the grands and great grands but it's going to be possibly alone. Have I mentioned that I hate being and feeling alone?

I am proud to note though that I am not the woman I was 10 years ago. I have withstood so much. Infertility, Post Partum Depression, becoming a widow, learning how to date and love again when I wasn't sure that I ever could love anyone again. I have learned how to rely on myself and not always depend on others. I have learned that I can be seen as a strong woman even though on the inside I am a trembling little girl who wants to be protected from the big bad world by those that will always protect her. I have learned to stand up for myself and my children, to question authority and to not just retreat when I am told that something can't or won't happen and to figure out how to make what I want to happen actually happen. To go to bat for my kids and be their protector from the big bad world and to keep them innocent as long as I possibly can but to also be their role model for what a strong and confident woman looks like. To take the time for me because no one else is going to just tell me to take it and to be bold enough to tell people that I need that time for me to be me and to recharge my personal batteries even if all it looks like is that I went to knitting group for 2 hours or that I had essentially ran away from home and my kids for a long weekend away with my twin momma friends from across the country and a Canadian or two.

I'm actually looking forward to what happens next in my life. To looking back in another decade and seeing where I am and what I have accomplished. For now though I am looking forward to my annual trip to Rockport in the morning and continuing the tradition of going there every summer for a day trip either alone or with the girls as my companions. It's my one spot in the world that I love more than anything (okay Disney World is a very close tie but a trip to Rockport is not as bad on my budget as Disney can be). I can totally relax there and just be me. Plus there will be fudge and that is the best part for me.