Argh... do you hear me screaming??? Do you???
I'm okay everyone.. just a Momma realizing that tonight is their last sleep at Kindergarten kids and in the morning they will morph into Big Kid First Graders. I should be ready.. I know what to expect.. we got through the whole going to Kindergarten thing last year with no battle scars. I should be okay with this. Why the heck am I not okay with this?
My babies are no longer my babies.. they are growing and starting to spread their wings and I feel a little lucky that tomorrow I actually get to somewhat follow them into the building though my destination is the Cafeteria which is where I will be waiting to greet the new Kindergarten parents and offer them a kind smile and some tissues along with a cup of coffee and some treats while they get to know their fellow Kindergarten parents before I go to work and get to sit and wonder about how their day is going and if they are behaving and hoping that I don't get a phone call on the first day (the record here is that I got a call on Day 2 of school last year). This year there are 2 classrooms to balance between and 2 teachers to get to know possibly very well. I have faith in them and their teachers.. we can do this.. we have done it before.
Quick little confession.. I hate doing this alone.. I hate that I have to do it alone.. First days are one of THOSE days for me.. I might need some hand holding tomorrow.. for now a quick couple of letters to the girls since I started doing it last year and I'm all about traditions and doing the same thing year after year.
Dear Anna,
You did it.. you made it to First Grade. I am sooo proud of you. I have faith that you will have a great year and will rock it like no one's business. Remember to listen to Miss Vergados and do what she asks you without having a fit or a tantrum. I'm looking forward to hearing about your first day and who is in your class this year. Remember that you will get to see Rosie and Amelia at lunch and recess and that they will probably miss you too. Use your words and be the great friend that I know you can be.
I love you.
Mommy
Dear Lily,
Guess what? You are a First Grader and yes I know that you are sad that you didn't get Mrs Lafferty for your teacher but I've heard awesome stuff about Miss Smith and know that you are with the best teacher we could ask for to be your teacher this year. I hope and know that you will have a great year as a First Grader. Keep being the awesome friend that you are and I'm looking forward to hearing about what you are learning this year and what you learned in just the first day. Just like Little Quack you can do anything once you decide to jump on in and make your SPLASH happen.
I love you bigger than the world..
Mommy
Okay folks indulge me one last letter...
Dear Lee,
Tomorrow is a big day. Our girls are becoming First Graders and I wish that you were here to see it happen in person. I'll have to settle for knowing that you will be there in spirit instead and in our hearts forever. We all miss you and think about you quite a bit. Not as much as when you first left us but know that you are missed the most on days like tomorrow that are First Days. Even though you aren't here you are still a big part of tomorrow. I wish that you could be there to hold my hand and tell me to calm down, that I have this, to breathe and to look at the girls and see that they are growing and thriving and doing so great because I am their mom and that they trust me to do the best I can for them and to protect them no matter what happens.
Thank you for making me the girls' mom and trusting that I would be able to do this alone and having the faith in me that you have always had in me to do this. If you didn't maybe you wouldn't have left us when and how you did. To quote a favorite book of yours and mine with a small bit of poetic license; I love you forever, I'll love you for always as long as I'm living my husband you'll be.
Cheryl
Monday, August 25, 2014
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Confession time
I don't even know where to begin.... I met someone about 2 months ago on a dating site.. we seemed to click online and just couldn't make the connection to actually meet till I happened to score 2 tickets to see Michael Buble in Mid July. So I asked and this person was my date for the concert and damn it.. we clicked really well in person too. Oh how we clicked. Unfortunately I made a mistake and it has seemed to have cost me quite a bit when it comes to this relationship since he couldn't seem to basically get over what happened. Yet at the same time I can't seem to stop thinking about this person and damn it, I still want this person in my life and if I'm being honest with myself, I want him want him. Yup, Miss Somewhat Independent is basically falling hard yet again.
Today while in Rockport and playing on the beach I kept wondering to myself what it would have been like to bring this person with me today instead of my mom or my kids. Would my day have been better overall because that person was with me or would I have regretted sharing my hideaway from the world? My one spot where I feel untouchable and that I can go to when the world is about to basically explode in my face. Even as I wandered around my favorite shops in Bearskin Neck I kept imagining this person with me and wondering if he would fall in love with this little spot as much as I have over the years.
Rockport is and always will be my special place. I feel totally at home there and just being there can usually calm me down when I need a bit of respite from the world. If I hadn't just been there today I would totally jump into my car and go back tomorrow and bring him with me because I think he needs a little Rockport magic in his life too.
Since I seem to be typing a bit randomly tonight I'll confess that I am seeing so many similarities between this person and Lee. They both seem to be down on their luck, having a hard time in life and I'm not sure if I'm trying to rectify what happened with Lee but I feel drawn to this person and I want to help. Not with money because 1. I don't have it to give and 2. I highly doubt he'd let me do that anyway. I guess I want to help him basically feel better about himself and quietly nurture him back to having confidence in himself and his abilities again. I wish I had more information about what makes this guy tick and why he had such a reaction to what I said and when I said it. Maybe I remind him of someone else like he reminds me of Lee and it makes him feel similar to what I am feeling. Maybe I'm just overthinking this or maybe I do want to make up for what happened with Lee though Lee's problems were deeper and he was already too far gone by the time I was a major part of his life yet sometimes I wonder if I could have done more and possibly saved him from himself. I'll never know and maybe these thoughts are best saved for chatting with my therapist.
Today while in Rockport and playing on the beach I kept wondering to myself what it would have been like to bring this person with me today instead of my mom or my kids. Would my day have been better overall because that person was with me or would I have regretted sharing my hideaway from the world? My one spot where I feel untouchable and that I can go to when the world is about to basically explode in my face. Even as I wandered around my favorite shops in Bearskin Neck I kept imagining this person with me and wondering if he would fall in love with this little spot as much as I have over the years.
Rockport is and always will be my special place. I feel totally at home there and just being there can usually calm me down when I need a bit of respite from the world. If I hadn't just been there today I would totally jump into my car and go back tomorrow and bring him with me because I think he needs a little Rockport magic in his life too.
Since I seem to be typing a bit randomly tonight I'll confess that I am seeing so many similarities between this person and Lee. They both seem to be down on their luck, having a hard time in life and I'm not sure if I'm trying to rectify what happened with Lee but I feel drawn to this person and I want to help. Not with money because 1. I don't have it to give and 2. I highly doubt he'd let me do that anyway. I guess I want to help him basically feel better about himself and quietly nurture him back to having confidence in himself and his abilities again. I wish I had more information about what makes this guy tick and why he had such a reaction to what I said and when I said it. Maybe I remind him of someone else like he reminds me of Lee and it makes him feel similar to what I am feeling. Maybe I'm just overthinking this or maybe I do want to make up for what happened with Lee though Lee's problems were deeper and he was already too far gone by the time I was a major part of his life yet sometimes I wonder if I could have done more and possibly saved him from himself. I'll never know and maybe these thoughts are best saved for chatting with my therapist.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Seven days
Seven more days... that is my mantra... In seven more days the girls head back to school as First Graders. Unlike last year I know what to expect. I'm ready. Okay maybe I'm not exactly ready... I decided at the end of the Kindergarten year to basically split the girls for First Grade and I'm a little nervous about it still. They will be fine. I will be fine but I so reserve the right to be nervous about it. I've sent emails to the teachers and the interim principal telling them how our summer went and I also took the girls by the school for a quick visit with their new teachers (the rooms are connected by a door thankfully) on the 18th.
They both liked getting the chance to get a peek at the new rooms and to meet their teachers. Anna must have been on the "I must impress this teacher" kick since she found and asked if she could read a book while we were there. She read a total of 3 books while the teacher and I chatted one each from the three levels that they will be reading in First Grade (Red , Blue and Green). Red are the beginning of the year level books, Blue is Mid Year level and Green is End of the year level books. The teacher might have to find some new material for Anna though she told me that the ones she picked were the easiest of each level and they get harder the further back they go in the piles. To further impress me, Anna asked to take her Magic Rainbow book series with us today to Rockport and the girl read silently to herself in the car. Only 8 or 9 pages out of 65 pages but she is doing it. Lee would be so proud. Heck I was feeling pretty proud too.
I took this week off of work so I could spend it with my girls and so far it's been a great decision and one that I think I will attempt to do every school year at least through Fifth grade or they get to be too cool to hang out with me.
Our trip to Rockport today was fun but I didn't truly get to do all the stuff that I wanted to do mostly because my mom decided to tag along at the last moment and tried to ruin what should have been a truly awesome day for me. I'm not going into it because it isn't appropriate for here but I was so mad and upset in the moment and it took quite a bit of restraint to be the role model I needed to be and to not show my girls how truly upset I was about the stupid stuff that my mom said and did today. I guess turning Forty is going to totally mature me in ways that I never dreamed it would. Good thing I bought a pound of fudge...
They both liked getting the chance to get a peek at the new rooms and to meet their teachers. Anna must have been on the "I must impress this teacher" kick since she found and asked if she could read a book while we were there. She read a total of 3 books while the teacher and I chatted one each from the three levels that they will be reading in First Grade (Red , Blue and Green). Red are the beginning of the year level books, Blue is Mid Year level and Green is End of the year level books. The teacher might have to find some new material for Anna though she told me that the ones she picked were the easiest of each level and they get harder the further back they go in the piles. To further impress me, Anna asked to take her Magic Rainbow book series with us today to Rockport and the girl read silently to herself in the car. Only 8 or 9 pages out of 65 pages but she is doing it. Lee would be so proud. Heck I was feeling pretty proud too.
I took this week off of work so I could spend it with my girls and so far it's been a great decision and one that I think I will attempt to do every school year at least through Fifth grade or they get to be too cool to hang out with me.
Our trip to Rockport today was fun but I didn't truly get to do all the stuff that I wanted to do mostly because my mom decided to tag along at the last moment and tried to ruin what should have been a truly awesome day for me. I'm not going into it because it isn't appropriate for here but I was so mad and upset in the moment and it took quite a bit of restraint to be the role model I needed to be and to not show my girls how truly upset I was about the stupid stuff that my mom said and did today. I guess turning Forty is going to totally mature me in ways that I never dreamed it would. Good thing I bought a pound of fudge...
Monday, August 18, 2014
Reflections
Tonight is my last night in my 30's. I posted something about that on my FaceBook wall and a friend commented that I need to write a book. I think this blog is the closest I will ever get to doing that since if you look back at this blog over the past few years anyone could see that my life is not book worthy even though I've seen, done and been through a lot in my 40 years.
This past decade though has seen more highs and lows that I could have ever imagined in a lifetime. In reflecting on just these last 10 years though I've noticed that I am so not the same person I was 10 years ago or even 15 years ago when I got married to the guy that I met when I was 18 and thought I would be with for the rest of my life till we were in our 80s or 90s and surrounded by grandkids and maybe even great grandkids. Unfortunately that wasn't to be. I might still be surrounded by the grands and great grands but it's going to be possibly alone. Have I mentioned that I hate being and feeling alone?
I am proud to note though that I am not the woman I was 10 years ago. I have withstood so much. Infertility, Post Partum Depression, becoming a widow, learning how to date and love again when I wasn't sure that I ever could love anyone again. I have learned how to rely on myself and not always depend on others. I have learned that I can be seen as a strong woman even though on the inside I am a trembling little girl who wants to be protected from the big bad world by those that will always protect her. I have learned to stand up for myself and my children, to question authority and to not just retreat when I am told that something can't or won't happen and to figure out how to make what I want to happen actually happen. To go to bat for my kids and be their protector from the big bad world and to keep them innocent as long as I possibly can but to also be their role model for what a strong and confident woman looks like. To take the time for me because no one else is going to just tell me to take it and to be bold enough to tell people that I need that time for me to be me and to recharge my personal batteries even if all it looks like is that I went to knitting group for 2 hours or that I had essentially ran away from home and my kids for a long weekend away with my twin momma friends from across the country and a Canadian or two.
I'm actually looking forward to what happens next in my life. To looking back in another decade and seeing where I am and what I have accomplished. For now though I am looking forward to my annual trip to Rockport in the morning and continuing the tradition of going there every summer for a day trip either alone or with the girls as my companions. It's my one spot in the world that I love more than anything (okay Disney World is a very close tie but a trip to Rockport is not as bad on my budget as Disney can be). I can totally relax there and just be me. Plus there will be fudge and that is the best part for me.
This past decade though has seen more highs and lows that I could have ever imagined in a lifetime. In reflecting on just these last 10 years though I've noticed that I am so not the same person I was 10 years ago or even 15 years ago when I got married to the guy that I met when I was 18 and thought I would be with for the rest of my life till we were in our 80s or 90s and surrounded by grandkids and maybe even great grandkids. Unfortunately that wasn't to be. I might still be surrounded by the grands and great grands but it's going to be possibly alone. Have I mentioned that I hate being and feeling alone?
I am proud to note though that I am not the woman I was 10 years ago. I have withstood so much. Infertility, Post Partum Depression, becoming a widow, learning how to date and love again when I wasn't sure that I ever could love anyone again. I have learned how to rely on myself and not always depend on others. I have learned that I can be seen as a strong woman even though on the inside I am a trembling little girl who wants to be protected from the big bad world by those that will always protect her. I have learned to stand up for myself and my children, to question authority and to not just retreat when I am told that something can't or won't happen and to figure out how to make what I want to happen actually happen. To go to bat for my kids and be their protector from the big bad world and to keep them innocent as long as I possibly can but to also be their role model for what a strong and confident woman looks like. To take the time for me because no one else is going to just tell me to take it and to be bold enough to tell people that I need that time for me to be me and to recharge my personal batteries even if all it looks like is that I went to knitting group for 2 hours or that I had essentially ran away from home and my kids for a long weekend away with my twin momma friends from across the country and a Canadian or two.
I'm actually looking forward to what happens next in my life. To looking back in another decade and seeing where I am and what I have accomplished. For now though I am looking forward to my annual trip to Rockport in the morning and continuing the tradition of going there every summer for a day trip either alone or with the girls as my companions. It's my one spot in the world that I love more than anything (okay Disney World is a very close tie but a trip to Rockport is not as bad on my budget as Disney can be). I can totally relax there and just be me. Plus there will be fudge and that is the best part for me.
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