Not Yet.....

I thought things were starting to get easier... that I wasn't missing Lee as much. That life was starting to get into a more normal rhythm.. and then it happened.. the universe shifted again.. Noone died.. but it still shifted for me.. Two events made it really obvious.. 1) a friend and I took our kids to the zoo on Saturday... unknown to me her husband was coming with us also.. there was a quick carseat shuffle to make sure that everyone could fit in the minivan and be comfortable...he's a nice guy.. very friendly but I was insanely jealous by the end of the day.. mostly because she had a second person to help her with her kids that afternoon to get her sleeping kids inside and to review the day with later.. 2) I was relaxing during lunch today and was reading my romance novel and the main character had to restrain herself from sniffing the character that (i'm guessing) she'll eventually be involved with's aftershave smell.. and I realized that I will never again get to smell the scent of Lee mixed with his aftershave of choice...Old Spice.. I had to put the book down and find his bottle of Old spice and inhale many times to even remember that Lee used to smell like that since at first I couldn't remember what he smelled like.

There were a couple other moments that unhinged me also. Lily and I were talking tonight and she told me that Daddy sick.. I agreed since it's the easier thing for me.. unfortunately Anna heard her and said No Daddy died.. (I told her in a moment of sleep deprivation).. that almost started a huge war but I just agreed with both of them that yes Daddy is sick and yes daddy died and left it there. Tomorrow the child Grief Counselor will be here and hopefully she can give me more advice about what to tell the girls.. and how to handle things. I am looking so forward to that.

Now we are Three

So on May 12th the girls officially turned 3 years old at 4:32 and 4:52 PM... They decided that waking me at these same times (except at the AM side of things) would be such a great thing to do.. So we started our Birthday on the early side this year.

They went to EI playgroup with a bag that had a dozen mini cupcakes in it to celebrate with their friends and teachers and then went to Grandma's house to spend the afternoon and to finally open the packages that came from their Uncles Alan and Ted and their wives Debbie and Debi. They also got to talk to their Uncle Teddy on my cell phone and got to hear him sing Happy Birthday to them and they got a small chance to chat with him too. They received clothing from Al and Debbie and swim stuff from Ted and Debi along with a nice dress each.

Later that afternoon I went to work and Lily decided that her official first act as a Three Year Old would be to throw up 4x in the space of 2 hours. I took her to the hospital right after she went for #5 and she had a small episode once we were waiting in the Pedi ER wait area to be called to see a doctor. Thankfully a Zofran was prescribed and after one lollipop, a popsicle and a sippy cup of Juice later, she was released and feeling better enough to get some sleep at Grandma's house.

Saturday we had their party and they made out like little bandits.. They got a ton of new toys to play with and a pile of clothing to wear this summer. They also got some giftcards for shopping and Mommy can't wait to take them. The cupcakes and the mini cake were a big hit and just about were gone the day of the party. I also had made Cookies and then Grandma got a fruit tray, some Pizza rolls and Party Mix. Everything was popular.. after cake and presents we let the kids loose in the backyard and everyone seemed to have a great time.

I missed having Lee with us to celebrate the day but I strongly believe that he was looking down on us and seeing it all anyway. Hopefully this year will be filled with all sorts of milestones. We are already working on learning to go Potty and have had a few successes. Anna even wore panties today for 3 hours before having an accident. We are getting used to sleeping in our Toddler beds and will be starting daycare this week.

Little Things

So this past week was a hard one to get through.. This past week included the one month mark since Lee passed, the girls' 3rd Birthday and their Birthday Party. I made it through though.. just barely.. Thank goodness for good friends and family members who helped me make it past these 3 milestones. I have one left for this month to go and that will happen this week.

Lee would have been 52 years old on this coming Friday the 20th. I may need major handholding for this milestone. Dependent on the weather I may go up to the cemetary to visit him alone. I have not been to the cemetary since we buried him on April 16th. I tried to go a couple of weeks ago but the rain and lack of my picnic blanket to sit on held me back from visiting. I need to get there.. no matter what. Maybe I'll bring some flowers with me even though the marker I bought isn't there yet. I so hope it goes well...

There are so many little reminders of Lee around the apartment... his little pot of lip balm wax on the lamp in our bedroom, his shoes on the floor in our room, his hat hanging in the hall, jackets and various t-shirts in the hall closet and his clothing in our bedroom closet. I can't even think about moving anything yet.. I'm not ready to do it and wonder if I ever will..

I think I'm back..

I've been pretty quiet for a little bit lately.. totally understandable I'm sure with all that I am dealing with everyday since Lee passed away. Tonight I was able to get the girls basically to bed on my own... Go Me... I made myself sit in their room with my back on the door and basically tuned Anna screaming next to me out and held Lily to me while she eventually fell asleep on me. I need more nights like tonight where I am able to get them to bed ON MY OWN.

Yesterday I had a bad day with the girls and eventually called Grandma to rescue me so I could go and see my knitting friends. I actually even got some knitting done too.. slight blip on my sock with the pattern row but what the heck.. it's a design element at this point since I'm not going to unknit my progress from last night. It felt so great to be knitting again. It had been just about a month since I was even able to knit at all since I was too upset to even think about knitting even though I usually had it with me just in case I felt the need to actually do any knitting.

I'm slowly getting all sorts of stuff done that needs to get done. I went to look at Grave Markers today and I just about had a breakdown while there. I need to go up to the Cemetary and look at the markers that my family already has up there and see if I can attempt to get something that is similar if not a total match.

I'm also realizing that although I am getting things done, there is a big list of stuff that I need to do that I have no clue how to do or go about doing. Such as some of the utility bills that only have Lee's name on them. I need to make the time to get those changed to just my name. Thankfully I have time to get most of the stuff that is on my lists done. As my therapist said to me the other day.. 'How do you eat an Elephant? One bite at a time.' So that is what I will be doing. Tackling things one bite at a time until I have done everything that I need to do.