Reflections

Tonight is my last night in my 30's. I posted something about that on my FaceBook wall and a friend commented that I need to write a book. I think this blog is the closest I will ever get to doing that since if you look back at this blog over the past few years anyone could see that my life is not book worthy even though I've seen, done and been through a lot in my 40 years.

This past decade though has seen more highs and lows that I could have ever imagined in a lifetime. In reflecting on just these last 10 years though I've noticed that I am so not the same person I was 10 years ago or even 15 years ago when I got married to the guy that I met when I was 18 and thought I would be with for the rest of my life till we were in our 80s or 90s and surrounded by grandkids and maybe even great grandkids. Unfortunately that wasn't to be. I might still be surrounded by the grands and great grands but it's going to be possibly alone. Have I mentioned that I hate being and feeling alone?

I am proud to note though that I am not the woman I was 10 years ago. I have withstood so much. Infertility, Post Partum Depression, becoming a widow, learning how to date and love again when I wasn't sure that I ever could love anyone again. I have learned how to rely on myself and not always depend on others. I have learned that I can be seen as a strong woman even though on the inside I am a trembling little girl who wants to be protected from the big bad world by those that will always protect her. I have learned to stand up for myself and my children, to question authority and to not just retreat when I am told that something can't or won't happen and to figure out how to make what I want to happen actually happen. To go to bat for my kids and be their protector from the big bad world and to keep them innocent as long as I possibly can but to also be their role model for what a strong and confident woman looks like. To take the time for me because no one else is going to just tell me to take it and to be bold enough to tell people that I need that time for me to be me and to recharge my personal batteries even if all it looks like is that I went to knitting group for 2 hours or that I had essentially ran away from home and my kids for a long weekend away with my twin momma friends from across the country and a Canadian or two.

I'm actually looking forward to what happens next in my life. To looking back in another decade and seeing where I am and what I have accomplished. For now though I am looking forward to my annual trip to Rockport in the morning and continuing the tradition of going there every summer for a day trip either alone or with the girls as my companions. It's my one spot in the world that I love more than anything (okay Disney World is a very close tie but a trip to Rockport is not as bad on my budget as Disney can be). I can totally relax there and just be me. Plus there will be fudge and that is the best part for me.

Happy New Year

Ok it's been a while.. sorry I have a life and I got busy and stuff.

Life is pretty good for the most part. I enjoyed my time away in November with my Twin Mom friends. It was great to get a chance to recharge a little..

December was nice also. It went a bit too fast for me but that's ok since there was barely any time between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year to do much.

We got treated well by Santa this year in various ways and by various other people too.

We got a big snowstorm / blizzard basically a day into the new year and earned us 2 extra days off for vacation time from school and my work. Everyone goes back on Monday and I can't be happier for that.

The girls and I saw the movie Frozen right after Christmas and enjoyed it quite a bit to the point that we bought the music on CD and I have gotten them all sorts of goodies that have to do with the 2 main characters Elsa and Anna. My own Anna was even able to make it through the movie without getting scared or bugging out over the one scary scene in the entire movie. I am so proud of her since she usually doesn't do well with seeing movies in the theater and we have to then wait for DVDs to come out. Hopefully this means that she is maturing and that we can get through more movies in the future.

I have very few resolutions this year. I hope to continue to be healthy and stay that way along with my girls. I also want to be better about writing here. I've been rather lax about it but that may be more an indication that I'm living life well these days and haven't had the time to be here. I do need to make more time for things that have seemed to dropped off my radar lately like going and getting in some running time or exercising. I have a membership to the YMCA and I need to use it more than I currently do.

Until next time..

K is for Kindergarten and U is for Updates

So here we are just over a month into being big kids that go to Kindergarten. It's been a pretty smooth transition for both girls though there have been a couple of small bumps in the road for them but I think we are finally settling in and getting into routines that work for us. Mornings can be chaotic but once we get to school and get some playtime on the playground with our new friends we are usually settled enough to get through the day.

Lily already has a boyfriend.. they like to hold hands on the playground and run around together. They usually walk into the school holding hands.. it's very adorable. Sometimes Anna holds this boy's hand too as they walk inside..

Tonight Anna told me that she has a boyfriend too. I'll have to watch and see how they behave around each other when we are on the playground tomorrow.

What else?

I'm still seeing the same guy. I really like him a lot and he seems to like me a lot too. Wish I could see him more but that's the life of a med student that is in his final year and has month long rotations at the moment. I'm actually so busy lately with the girls I didn't even notice that the month of Sept basically went by so quickly. Before I know it my guy will be around again for a visit between rotations. Till then there is lots for me to do. Work is getting busy as we prep to wind down the Medicare Part D assistance program for 2013 and start getting ready for 2014 and the changes that will be happening to the program. I'm taking a 4 day break from life in November to travel with some Twin Mom friends. I will hopefully be able to rest and recharge and come back ready to get through the holiday season. There are also kid birthday parties starting to loom on the horizon. The first of them is for Lily's boyfriend. That should be a fun time..

I hope to update a little more frequently than I have been lately. Till then,,

Letters to my girls as we start Kindergarten

Tonight I'm feeling the need to be here and typing.. mostly because I am having so many feelings lately about the start of Kindergarten. So with that said here are letters to my girls as they start going to school.

Dear Anna,

Hey there sweet girl. Tomorrow you start Kindergarten and get to go to the big kid school for the first time. I am so proud of you and I know that Daddy would be too. You are totally ready to rock in Kindergarten. You are a natural leader and I have a feeling that there are going to be so many notes home or phone calls about your behavior and bossiness. Then again you are a good friend and maybe those notes will tell me that you were so good that you earned a CARES sticker. I wish that Daddy were here with me watching you go to school with Lily. Unfortunately he's not here and you know why but it still breaks my heart that you'll never have him take you to Daddy/Daughter dances or get to hear how excited you are about a hundred million things that  you have to tell me RIGHT NOW. I want you to know that you not only look like him but at times remind me of him in the things that you do and say. This is not a bad thing at all. It actually makes me happy that I still get to see him in you everyday. WE love you so much baby girl and yes I know that you are NOT A BABY anymore but you will always be my baby no matter how big you grow.

Love with lots of kisses and hugs,

Mommy



Dear Lily,

Hi there baby. You are such a big girl and I can't wait for you to go to Kindergarten tomorrow with Anna. You are so ready and I am proud of the girl that you are becoming and Daddy is too even though he's not here to see you anymore. You are such a gentle and caring person and make friends so easily. I look forward to hearing about all your adventures, listening to you sing all your new songs and hearing about your new "brothers". Remember that you need to use your words instead of hurting people by pinching and hitting since that isn't very nice to do. Daddy and I love you a lot and I wish that he was here to see his little buddy go off to the big kid school. I'm so glad that you are my little girl and you will always be my baby no matter how big you get.

Love you so much,

Mommy

More Updates

So I guess that I've been busy lately or not exactly sure what to say. I'll go with busy since that might be the easier explanation for my life at the moment.

I've been busy at work quite a bit and that is a really good thing especially since my contract got extended again till mid October. I was really nervous that it wouldn't get extended but apparently I had no reason to worry about that.

I also started seeing a new guy. I went on a couple of dates with other guys from one of my dating sites and yeah there are quite a few creeps out there. I also had a HS friend recommend a friend of hers that she thought might be a good person for me and yes he was nice but only a let's be friends type of nice.

The current guy is actually someone that I wouldn't have thought to be interested at all and truly wasn't on my radar either though if pressed I did think that he is nice looking and would be interesting to get to know better but I wasn't sure that it would happen. We actually got set up basically by a mutual friend to go to a movie together with other people and only one of the other people showed up which made for a slightly awkward night for me since the person that did show was the guy that I had most recently been trying to be in a relationship with and I was there with this other guy (that I had no clue was showing interest in me). Then the next day I got a message from the guy that I had been basically set up with asking if I wanted to hang out and chat more and maybe even go out some time. It took a little convincing on my part to make the leap but I did and I have been enjoying the experience so far. I really hope that although probably it will not a forever relationship that we will be together for a while and heck maybe minds will change on the possibly forever part. There are too many details to consider and work out at the moment though over time some of the details will work themselves out. I need to remember to be patient and let things work out for the best and lean on my support network when needed.

I'm still working on my sweater. The one that I started in January and was hoping to have finished by now. I do need to admit that I am almost there though. I have 6 more pattern rounds and then 12 rounds of ribbing before binding off and then finishing the sleeves and the neckline before declaring it done and giving it a bath and getting it blocked so I can wear it before Fall is here.

Here is what the sweater currently looks like (in case you were wondering). This was at 140 rounds and I've done 4 more rounds since I took this picture the other day.

One last update which probably deserves it's own post but I'll put it here for now. Three weeks from today (on August 27th) the girls will be starting Kindergarten. They seem to be excited but I think also a bit nervous about leaving the safety and security of Daycare. I need to take them shoe shopping this weekend at the mall and see about getting them a new outfit or two for the first couple of days of school. I also need to finish getting their backpacks ready and buy them some crayons and pencils for school use too since I don't remember there being any crayons or pencils on the list of supplies that I bought for them through the school itself.

First day of school is going to be a HUGE milestone for me. Our first real day of school with all the big kids and only Mommy there to see them off to school. No Daddy except in our hearts and minds. I know that I'll be ok but I will be missing having Lee here to share this day with me. Like I said, it's going to be a whole other post of it's own.

Ugh Father's Day

This is the first year since Lee passed that I am not enthralled by the approach of Father's Day. This will be our 3rd one without Lee here but the first that the girls understand that their Daddy isn't here to celebrate it.

Last night I was on Facebook looking at pictures of Lee with Lily on my lap and she commented that she needs a new Daddy. I quickly told her that she still has her daddy but he's just not here and that he still loves her.

I feel awful for my girls that they got robbed by Lee dying when they were so small. They only got 2yrs and 11m with him and they probably won't remember very much about him as they grow up and the memories fade over time. I'm glad that I have so many pictures of him and so many stories that I can tell them about him but it still sucks that they won't ever know how goofy he was and how much he was looking forward to watching them grow into actual people and not be babies forever. He used to tell me how much he was looking forward to taking them camping when they got big enough and were out of diapers and able to go to the bathroom on their own. I guess that's something that I'll have to do with them instead and find a friend to go with us since I know very little about camping and how to go about it.

It will be interesting next year at this time of year how they wind up dealing with Father's Day since they'll be in Kindergarten and all the other kids will be most probably making all sorts of crafts for their dads or grandpas and my kids will have no one to make anything for. Though I guess that's a bridge to think about and cross later when we get to it eventually.

Update on Me 2 years later

So I was just on a site that I used to frequent quite a bit and realized that I hadn't really updated too much about life lately..

So here we go... You all mostly know about the big move from Malden to Melrose that happened almost 2 months ago (it really doesn't feel like it was that long ago already).. but I haven't talked about a couple of big decisions that have happened lately.. First off I'm no longer wearing my wedding rings.. It was truly time. I took them off maybe a week or two after I moved.. mostly because I'm trying to move on with my life. I'm not sure what is going to happen but I was ready to do it and I want to appear more available than I did when I was still wearing them. I had a long talk with a couple of trusted people before I did it. I admit it did feel weird at first to not have them on and I even tried out wearing my Claddagh Ring that I had found while packing for a couple days but since I'd never worn it without being "taken" it felt weird to wear it as "available" so I took that off too. Now it feels ok and normal to wear nothing on my ring finger after having something there practically 24/7 for almost 14 years.

Secondly and somewhat linked to the above.. I'm starting to date again. It's really weird to be back in the dating world especially when it's been 20 years since I've actually "dated" or tried to start a relationship and this time I have 2 kids to consider besides just me. I have a really good friend at my church that I thought would be a good match for us since we all really like this person a lot (and still do to be honest) but it wasn't to be unfortunately. Though as a first time out of the gate relationship it was a good learning experience to figure out what I truly want. Maybe further down the line I can try that relationship again. We'll see. I did join a dating site and it's hilarious the types of guys that are out there looking and thinking that I MIGHT be interested in them. My 2 favorites so far were the 23 year old who offered me a massage (um NO) and the 20 year old that called me a MILF (let me know if you need an explanation on that term) which was nice to see but my gosh I could be that guy's mother with the age difference and Ewwww.  Not going down that road at all. Hopefully I'll eventually find someone for me and eventually have the girls meet this person when the time is right.
There are actually 2 possible guys that I've been chatting with and hope to meet soon. We'll see if either of them pans out. Stay tuned..