Ugh Father's Day

This is the first year since Lee passed that I am not enthralled by the approach of Father's Day. This will be our 3rd one without Lee here but the first that the girls understand that their Daddy isn't here to celebrate it.

Last night I was on Facebook looking at pictures of Lee with Lily on my lap and she commented that she needs a new Daddy. I quickly told her that she still has her daddy but he's just not here and that he still loves her.

I feel awful for my girls that they got robbed by Lee dying when they were so small. They only got 2yrs and 11m with him and they probably won't remember very much about him as they grow up and the memories fade over time. I'm glad that I have so many pictures of him and so many stories that I can tell them about him but it still sucks that they won't ever know how goofy he was and how much he was looking forward to watching them grow into actual people and not be babies forever. He used to tell me how much he was looking forward to taking them camping when they got big enough and were out of diapers and able to go to the bathroom on their own. I guess that's something that I'll have to do with them instead and find a friend to go with us since I know very little about camping and how to go about it.

It will be interesting next year at this time of year how they wind up dealing with Father's Day since they'll be in Kindergarten and all the other kids will be most probably making all sorts of crafts for their dads or grandpas and my kids will have no one to make anything for. Though I guess that's a bridge to think about and cross later when we get to it eventually.

Update on Me 2 years later

So I was just on a site that I used to frequent quite a bit and realized that I hadn't really updated too much about life lately..

So here we go... You all mostly know about the big move from Malden to Melrose that happened almost 2 months ago (it really doesn't feel like it was that long ago already).. but I haven't talked about a couple of big decisions that have happened lately.. First off I'm no longer wearing my wedding rings.. It was truly time. I took them off maybe a week or two after I moved.. mostly because I'm trying to move on with my life. I'm not sure what is going to happen but I was ready to do it and I want to appear more available than I did when I was still wearing them. I had a long talk with a couple of trusted people before I did it. I admit it did feel weird at first to not have them on and I even tried out wearing my Claddagh Ring that I had found while packing for a couple days but since I'd never worn it without being "taken" it felt weird to wear it as "available" so I took that off too. Now it feels ok and normal to wear nothing on my ring finger after having something there practically 24/7 for almost 14 years.

Secondly and somewhat linked to the above.. I'm starting to date again. It's really weird to be back in the dating world especially when it's been 20 years since I've actually "dated" or tried to start a relationship and this time I have 2 kids to consider besides just me. I have a really good friend at my church that I thought would be a good match for us since we all really like this person a lot (and still do to be honest) but it wasn't to be unfortunately. Though as a first time out of the gate relationship it was a good learning experience to figure out what I truly want. Maybe further down the line I can try that relationship again. We'll see. I did join a dating site and it's hilarious the types of guys that are out there looking and thinking that I MIGHT be interested in them. My 2 favorites so far were the 23 year old who offered me a massage (um NO) and the 20 year old that called me a MILF (let me know if you need an explanation on that term) which was nice to see but my gosh I could be that guy's mother with the age difference and Ewwww.  Not going down that road at all. Hopefully I'll eventually find someone for me and eventually have the girls meet this person when the time is right.
There are actually 2 possible guys that I've been chatting with and hope to meet soon. We'll see if either of them pans out. Stay tuned..

T Minus 8 days..

So in 8 (eight) days something really big is happening.. Something that I've been looking forward to and dreading at the same time. My BABIES will be turning FIVE YEARS OLD .  How is that even possible??? How is that 5 years ago at this time I was so done being pregnant and just wanted these kids out.. It doesn't feel like it's been 5 years at all.. Five years since I finally met the little ones that had taken over my body and made me a very happy person... Five years since Lee and I tried to figure out 2 sets of names just in case the ultrasounds had been wrong and we really did need some boy names to go with our girl names. Five years since life went topsy turvy for the first time (the second time would be 2 yrs and 11 months later)..

Along with counting down to their birthday I'm starting to countdown to Kindergarten for them. I think the official first day of school is August 27th.. I haven't made any countdown charts yet for that (too much time for 5 year olds to grasp) but know that we will.

So how are we celebrating this monumental birthday??? We're going to Disney... in 7 more days...  That's right we leave the day before they turn 5 years old.. that way we can wake up to being 5 in the Most Magical Place on Earth.. plus I think that they get a wake up phone call on their birthday from the characters.. which should be really awesome.. I can barely wait myself..

More later...

3 weeks Post Move

I feel bad that I haven't been around lately to blog.. with the move and work and just life in general.. things have been chaotic at best.. but otherwise very busy here..

The move itself went really well.. Quite a few friends showed up and were really great about helping me with the move. I am still so moved that they were able to help me with it.

I'm still trying to go through boxes and find places for things that I have.. I also have a long list of things that I want and need to get for the new place. I took care of a few items on it yesterday but I still feel like I have tons more to do. I still need to hook up the DVD player and VCR to my TV in the living room. Thank goodness for the TV in my room that came with a DVD player built in so that we can still watch movies and videos.

My job has been a source of stress lately. Our Medicare Part D Assistance Program for 2013 opened on March 1st and we got a huge influx of applications from patients needing assistance with paying for their Renvela prescriptions. The assistance also helps with their other medications too. New this year is that we are not requiring the patients to pay any Out of Pocket expenses to be qualified (Having access to drug is a huge thing this year for our company) so everyone and their brother is applying for assistance. I think it's finally slowing down though and hopefully by Tuesday we will be caught up to almost Real Time on the applications that are coming in.

One other big stressor is that the Anniversary of Lee's death and our Wedding Anniversary is coming up soon. The sermon at church today was on Grief and Living and I started crying just a few minutes in to it. Thankfully some friends were near by and moved to be next to me so I could cry it out and they held me close and made me feel better after I let myself cry. Hopefully Thursday (the actual day) will be ok.. I'll stop and get some flowers for everyone on my way to the cemetery. I also have a dental appointment that day so I'm taking the day off from work to deal with my feelings of grief.

If I feel anything like I did today it's going to be a doozy of a day and then 6 days later would have been our 14th Wedding Anniversary. I think I'll be able to go to work that day though and be somewhat normal.

The girls are adjusting well and so far seem to like where we live now. They have a playroom for all of their toys now and having it is a huge hit so far. I like that I can basically shut the door on the mess that it usually is and be ok with it since the mess isn't everywhere.

That seems like enough of an update for now. I think I might write more later since we've been so busy lately.

Changes Looming

So I've been quite busy lately and that alone has kept me from being able to blog at all.

I won't go into all the things that I've been doing since February 18th (when I last posted anything) but I will talk about one of them.... Moving.

After14 years of being where Lee and I landed after we got married, I'm finally moving out of my current address and moving to a new one.

This is huge.... it's even bigger and messier than when Lee passed away. I'm not really dealing all that well with the idea of packing up all our stuff and getting stuff purged and out. There are a lot of memories that are being brought up for me as I find all sorts of things.

I have found so many old cards and momentos and things that I truly want to cling to and keep forever but know that I can't. So I've had to be ruthless about throwing things out and paring down what I have.

The funny thing is that the place that we are going to is slightly bigger than what I currently have so one of two things will possibly happen. Either my stuff will look lost and I'll be forced to get more stuff (ugh) or what I already have will fit perfectly in the new place and I'll be flabbergasted at how I lived in such close quarters for so long.

I am very excited for this move. It means so much to me to be gaining so much. In addition to the standard kitchen, living room, 2 bedrooms that most places have, this new place will also give us a Pantry area off the kitchen with lots of storage, a Dining room area (with built in hutch) and a Sunroom that I will be making into a playroom area for the girls. I'm also going to have attic storage and the possibility of the use of the owner's washer and dryer in the basement. Just the idea of not having to pay for laundry makes me giddy and then there is the best feature ever. A driveway. I am getting the use of a 3 car driveway (the owner who will be living on the 1st floor has his own parking area too) that I don't need to share.. It's all mine...

I also will be gaining lots of freedom by moving.. Here I feel landlocked and not able to go anywhere without having to take my car with me.. At the new place if I want to go to my mom's I can walk there. Same with going to the park. There will be one just down the street.  Want to have some Dunkin Donuts? I just need to walk a couple blocks to Main Street and boom I can get my Tea, Muffins and doughnuts for the girls. I could even possibly walk to church and the school that I want the girls to attend for Kindergarten will be nearby also.

I want to say some other things too but unfortunately I need to get going. It's a busy day here and the packing won't get done on it's own. I only have 6 days left here and I need to make the most of them.

Knitting update

So I figured out recently that I somehow misread the directions or the directions were not clear enough and I was knitting my sweater incorrectly.. It was insanely painful to have to rip out 40 rounds of knitting... and start over..

The starting over proved to be painful also since I somehow twisted my stitches somewhere in the initial 10 rounds and had to rip that out too..

But now I am pleased to report that I am currently on Round 51.. and things are looking much better.. as in just like the picture on the pattern itself.

Now I face a new challenge (since this is my first in the round top down sweater)... using waste yarn to hold the sleeve stitches and I have no clue how to go about this... I think I might have to wait till Wednesday night to even attempt it as I will be at knitting then and can attempt with the backup of some more experienced knitters.

 

  My first attempt (close up) the lace is going into the armpit area.

 

 

  Also the first attempt

 The pattern and the ball of yarn after I ripped the 40 rounds of the sweater out.

Kindergarten Looming

Apparently sometime between now and the last couple of years I blinked.. and something happened.. my babies grew from little itty bitty babies that needed me for everything into almost big kids who are going to be heading to Kindergarten in September.

I knew that this was going to happen. I just am suddenly not feeling all that ready. The girls are excited and I feel ready and if they were allowed would go to Kindergarten tomorrow (ok on Monday). What is making me feel so not ready for Kindergarten... I went to a Kindergarten Info Session last night and I saw many mommies and daddies that I haven't exactly seen in a small while. We all met for the first time when all the kiddos were babies that we could carry in infant carseats and put them on the floor together to interact as best they could. Over time there were playdates, birthday parties, and random meetups at the park. Last night though we all filed into the auditorium and listened intently as the school principals talked to us about their buildings and then the Kindergarten Curriculm was outlined to us along with the Registration process. Then they let us ask our questions.. We had a few then they sent us off with papers with some FAQs about the process itself.

I went home (ok to my mom's) and one girl was sleeping and I couldn't believe how much she looked like the little baby that I held not so long ago and I started feeling sad since I'd be sending her and her sister out into the world in just a few short months. I got melancholy and weepy at work today as I kept thinking about how quickly my babies have grown and how much their Daddy would be loving this time in their lives. They are both potty trained (with the occasional accident), are very chatty, seem to be so smart and are extremely funny.

I really hope that there is a program of some sort for the Mommies who thought they were ready to send their kids to Kindergarten but are reluctant to truly let go of those little hands and trust that their babies will be ok in a classroom filled with so many other kids and a couple of teachers. I'm betting that I won't be the only Mommy fighting back the tears as her babies enter the classroom, but I know that I'll also be fighting those tears because their Daddy isn't here to shed those tears alongside me and help keep me calm and  distracted while the girls are in school for the first day.

Even typing this all out is making me weepy and needing to get the tissues, and this is just Registration. The first true day of school is still 7-8 months away and I think that I will be doing my best to not only keep them little by snuggling with them as much as possible but to get them ready for the independence that they are going to need to have once they cross the threshold into the Kindergarten Classroom and become school kids.

I think that's enough rambling on this topic for the moment.