Ugh... I wish I had known a few things before this mommy gig started... I so am wishing for a rewind button these days. Needless to say it's been rough here lately since BOTH girls have had their first colds (they share so well). Also with the economy being the way it is at the moment, I so wish that I had possibly tried to Nurse the girls. It's the weirdest feeling at times since I am so not a breastfeeding type person at all, yet those maternal instincts kick in (after the milk has totally dried up and is gone) and it feels so natural to want that closeness. Ok maybe it's that it would be the quickest and simpliest way to quiet the children when I don't want to prep or heat another bottle first thing in the morning or there is a baby screaming at me because I miscalculated the time since the last bottle and they are HUNGRY. I might have even enjoyed the experience.
I also really miss the Cheryl that was able to work (or even have a job) without having to hope that the stars align just right to get daycare figured out. Everyone keeps telling me that it gets better over time and that things will work out for us. That I'll find a job, that we'll eventually find a bigger place or be able to afford a house, that the economy will get better. I'm so tired all the time and feeling resentful of so many things and it's just not fair to the girls that their mom feels like a failure at times. It's not fair to Lee that I yell and get so emotional so easily lately which is not good for either of us or our relationship with each other. I wish that I'd planned better. Had something lined up for daycare somewhere and worked harder on the job thing and the place to live thing while I was still Pregnant. Instead I'm feeling overwhelmed and stressed and I don't think that mixes well when I'm feeling depressed.
I guess I need to just keep plugging away (like Charlie Brown does) and live in the moment and just keep trying to survive one day, one hour or even one minute at a time.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Here Comes the Sun
sorry for the Beatles reference but I'm feeling so great today..
I feel like I am finally coming out on the other side of my funk from all the PPD stuff that I went through. Today finally feels like the first day that everything went ok and clicked for me since sometime way back in May. I realized this while feeding the girls their dinner tonight and thought back on my day and how I actually got through the day without any tears or anxiety.
Today was the Annual Harvest Fair at our church and I went and worked it while Lee had the girls at home. I feel like I got a ton of things accomplished and had a purpose today. Near the end of the fair I went home and got Lee and girls since today was also the day that Olan Mills would be at our church for Church Directory photos and our appt was for after the fair was over. The photo shoot went well. I think we overspent for prints but included in the package that we got is a small proof size print of all the poses that they took so i can make my own additional prints from them (we asked about this option).
On our way out we noticed that they were taking quite a few of the Attic Table / White Elephant items out to the curb to be FREE Items and I spied an exersaucer out there and ran to grab it (I've been looking for one for about a month now). We also came away with a baby toy (folding pre-walker toy), a rubber ducky, a backgammon set and a small chalkboard that we can possibly hang on the wall here for writing down the grocery list as we need items. Once home and our treasures were inside, I was inspired to clean more in our bedroom and I was able to find homes for a few things that had somehow taken up residence on my side of the room. The best thing about today though.... the babies fell asleep for the night before 8pm and I was able to make a nice dinner for Lee and myself without the stress of having to take care of 2 crying babies as I attempt to cook.
Now I am realistic enough to know that everyday is not going to be this great and that there is always the possibility of many many rocky days ahead of me but for today.. it's enough to know that I am able to have a really good day and that I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face from a sunshine day (even when the weather is cold and gray outside).
I feel like I am finally coming out on the other side of my funk from all the PPD stuff that I went through. Today finally feels like the first day that everything went ok and clicked for me since sometime way back in May. I realized this while feeding the girls their dinner tonight and thought back on my day and how I actually got through the day without any tears or anxiety.
Today was the Annual Harvest Fair at our church and I went and worked it while Lee had the girls at home. I feel like I got a ton of things accomplished and had a purpose today. Near the end of the fair I went home and got Lee and girls since today was also the day that Olan Mills would be at our church for Church Directory photos and our appt was for after the fair was over. The photo shoot went well. I think we overspent for prints but included in the package that we got is a small proof size print of all the poses that they took so i can make my own additional prints from them (we asked about this option).
On our way out we noticed that they were taking quite a few of the Attic Table / White Elephant items out to the curb to be FREE Items and I spied an exersaucer out there and ran to grab it (I've been looking for one for about a month now). We also came away with a baby toy (folding pre-walker toy), a rubber ducky, a backgammon set and a small chalkboard that we can possibly hang on the wall here for writing down the grocery list as we need items. Once home and our treasures were inside, I was inspired to clean more in our bedroom and I was able to find homes for a few things that had somehow taken up residence on my side of the room. The best thing about today though.... the babies fell asleep for the night before 8pm and I was able to make a nice dinner for Lee and myself without the stress of having to take care of 2 crying babies as I attempt to cook.
Now I am realistic enough to know that everyday is not going to be this great and that there is always the possibility of many many rocky days ahead of me but for today.. it's enough to know that I am able to have a really good day and that I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face from a sunshine day (even when the weather is cold and gray outside).
Friday, November 7, 2008
Happy Halloween from the Ringen Girls
Winnie the Pooh (Lily) and Tigger the Tiger (Anna) had a nice First Halloween. Four parties in 3 days tired out this new momma so on Halloween Day they wore Halloween sleep and play outfits instead of their costumes..
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Go Lily Go
Ok so she's was the first to get teeth but the whole rolling over thing just wasn't happening.. well she must have been practicing for awhile because I put her and Anna on the floor today and they both rolled over.. at first I thought that I was seeing Anna twice but then I realized that Lily HAD rolled over too. I was so happy.. but knew that it could have been a fluke.. so I put them into the crib and low and behold she did it again. It's officially in the baby book as of today. So now I have 2 rollers to keep track of. In other news... does anyone have a spare 2 bedroom apartment that they can rent us? We really and truly need to put the girls in seperate cribs now and there is NO room left here for a 2nd crib. So now we need to step up the hunt for a two bedroom that won't break the bank for us.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
I see another Tooth
This makes 2 teeth for Lily and still None for Anna.. I'm not worried. Anna will eventually get teeth. Till then I'll enjoy her toothless smile a bit longer.
BTW, today is their 5 month birthday.. Can it really have been 5 months since the girls arrived in our lives??? It feels both shorter and longer depending on the day. We eat Rice cereal twice a day along with fruit. So far we have tried Applesauce and Bananas. The expressions on their faces for the first tastes have been priceless. Maybe we'll do a Veggie next.
BTW, today is their 5 month birthday.. Can it really have been 5 months since the girls arrived in our lives??? It feels both shorter and longer depending on the day. We eat Rice cereal twice a day along with fruit. So far we have tried Applesauce and Bananas. The expressions on their faces for the first tastes have been priceless. Maybe we'll do a Veggie next.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Someday He'll understand
Disclaimer: I'm going to complain...
Two hours to myself... is that too much to ask of Lee. Two hours.. Lee was home today due to an appt regarding his pinky finger that he broke about 2 months ago. So since he was home I didn't need my mom to come over to watch the girls while I went out for my weekly knitting night. He did great for the first 1.5 hours.. but I swear at 7:30 exactly the phone calls started. "I can't calm them down"... "one cried and then the other one started up"... "when are you coming home" and my personal favorite.. calling me and then leaving me a message of a crying baby. I understand that he's not used to being home with the girls during the day but come on buddy give your wife a break for 2 hours so she can knit and see her friends in peace.
When do I get my break? I'm with these babies 24/7 everyday. Even when Lee gets home from work I barely get a break from the girls. I'm lucky most nights if I can eat a meal by myself. Or find time to knit. Even once they are down for the night (I feel so lucky that they sleep through the night already) I don't a break since I feel like I am running around like a headless chicken getting Lee's lunch together for the next day, doing laundry, trying to clean something around here (and it barely gets to stay that way) or any of the other things that need to be done.
I'm tired all the time yet he gets to take naps on the weekend. I also make and clean all the bottles. I can't even remember if Lee has ever cleaned a bottle or two for me.
I actually have a plan in place that will hopefully make him step up. I'm going to an all day crop from 9am till 9pm on the 18th of October. I'll bring my phone so he can call me but I'm not going home to bail him out with the babies. If that doesn't work, I'll get my relatives on his case the next day at the Baby Dedication for our girls. I might need to do that anyway.
Two hours to myself... is that too much to ask of Lee. Two hours.. Lee was home today due to an appt regarding his pinky finger that he broke about 2 months ago. So since he was home I didn't need my mom to come over to watch the girls while I went out for my weekly knitting night. He did great for the first 1.5 hours.. but I swear at 7:30 exactly the phone calls started. "I can't calm them down"... "one cried and then the other one started up"... "when are you coming home" and my personal favorite.. calling me and then leaving me a message of a crying baby. I understand that he's not used to being home with the girls during the day but come on buddy give your wife a break for 2 hours so she can knit and see her friends in peace.
When do I get my break? I'm with these babies 24/7 everyday. Even when Lee gets home from work I barely get a break from the girls. I'm lucky most nights if I can eat a meal by myself. Or find time to knit. Even once they are down for the night (I feel so lucky that they sleep through the night already) I don't a break since I feel like I am running around like a headless chicken getting Lee's lunch together for the next day, doing laundry, trying to clean something around here (and it barely gets to stay that way) or any of the other things that need to be done.
I'm tired all the time yet he gets to take naps on the weekend. I also make and clean all the bottles. I can't even remember if Lee has ever cleaned a bottle or two for me.
I actually have a plan in place that will hopefully make him step up. I'm going to an all day crop from 9am till 9pm on the 18th of October. I'll bring my phone so he can call me but I'm not going home to bail him out with the babies. If that doesn't work, I'll get my relatives on his case the next day at the Baby Dedication for our girls. I might need to do that anyway.
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