1. Trip to Franklin Park Zoo.. hopefully on a day when the Giraffes are out. - Done... and we saw the Giraffes
2. Trip to Canobie Lake Park. (will need to happen with friends). Not Done
3. Fly a kite. - DONE as of June 30th. We had a great time and will be doing it again.
4. A Beach trip... another to do with more than one adult Not Done
5. A trip to a DCR Pool. with more than one adult. Not Done
6. Ride the train to Boston.. hopefully on the Commuter Rail aka the Purple Train - Done (Orange Line)
7. Trip to Rockport Not Done
8. Trip into Boston to play at the Frog Pond Not Done
9. Carousel ride in Boston.. hopefully by the Frog Pond or maybe down by the Rose Kennedy Greenway Done and the girls had a great time
10. Swan Boat ride Not Done
11. Children's Museum Not Done
12. Museum of Science Not Done
13. Go to the Fourth of July Parade in Wakefield and possibly go see the fireworks show over the Lake in Wakefield. - FAIL... it was too hot and wound up being a stormy night..
14. Breakheart Reservation to play and possibly go swimming Not Done
15. Go to Richardson's Ice Cream to visit the baby cows (yes i know they are Calves) and get some Ice Cream. Not Done
16. Mini golf... (maybe at Richardson's though Hago's in Stoneham might be more the girls speed). Not Done
17. Salem Willows. Not Done
I guess that we can try again next Summer...
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Knitting update - FO spotted
FO = Finished Object
I did it.... I finally finished the Feather and Fan blanket that I've been working on since sometime in February of 2010 tonight.. Two years and 7 months later... I didn't work on it all the time over the 2 years and 7 months.. There were plenty of socks and washcloths and other bits of knitting done or worked on during that time. There was also a husband that got sick and passed away and not much knitting happened then..
Want to see it???? Of course you do..
It's so pretty and I love it...
Now I need to figure out what to work on next....
I did it.... I finally finished the Feather and Fan blanket that I've been working on since sometime in February of 2010 tonight.. Two years and 7 months later... I didn't work on it all the time over the 2 years and 7 months.. There were plenty of socks and washcloths and other bits of knitting done or worked on during that time. There was also a husband that got sick and passed away and not much knitting happened then..
Want to see it???? Of course you do..
It's so pretty and I love it...
Now I need to figure out what to work on next....
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Routines
We are finally getting into some new routines around here.... with my job I need to have a solid routine in the morning and at night with these girls... Our mornings (most of the time) are awake and out of bed at or around 6am.. up to pee, take a shower (just Mommy), get dressed, put on shoes and jackets, grab what we need for the day... head out the door, get in the car to get to Daycare by 8am at the latest.. then taking the train and getting to work by 8:30am..
At night we drink our nightime Apple Juice (laced with Melatonin - dr approved), then put on our Jammies, brush teeth, read a story and then go to bed hopefully no later than 8pm or 8:30pm.
Then there are the routines of things that come up on our calendar that can wreck havoc with the above. Once a month we go to the Library on a Monday night to sing songs with Mother Goose.. the 1st and 3rd Wednesday of the month we just resumed the Kid Grief group that we attend. On other Wed nights we go to Knitting Group though lately I've had a pair of sitters coming by to watch the girls for me so I can go out by myself... and have 2 hours to myself. We just added Dance Class (Ballet and Tap) on Saturday mornings for the girls.
Somehow I still haven't figured out how to get back to Running Club on Tuesdays, Scrapbooking on Fridays (once a month) or Twin Mom Club (4th Tuesday of the month). Eventually I'll do a few of these again.. I just need time to figure it out..
At night we drink our nightime Apple Juice (laced with Melatonin - dr approved), then put on our Jammies, brush teeth, read a story and then go to bed hopefully no later than 8pm or 8:30pm.
Then there are the routines of things that come up on our calendar that can wreck havoc with the above. Once a month we go to the Library on a Monday night to sing songs with Mother Goose.. the 1st and 3rd Wednesday of the month we just resumed the Kid Grief group that we attend. On other Wed nights we go to Knitting Group though lately I've had a pair of sitters coming by to watch the girls for me so I can go out by myself... and have 2 hours to myself. We just added Dance Class (Ballet and Tap) on Saturday mornings for the girls.
Somehow I still haven't figured out how to get back to Running Club on Tuesdays, Scrapbooking on Fridays (once a month) or Twin Mom Club (4th Tuesday of the month). Eventually I'll do a few of these again.. I just need time to figure it out..
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
My Bill of Rights as a Widow...
Bill of Rights for Grief
1. You have the right to take whatever path you take through your grief without judgment.
2. You have the right to ignore or incorporate any or all of the MOUNTAINS of advice you will get.
3. You have the right to say: "No thank you."
4. You have the right to grieve for whatever you have lost, including things you never had but ache for, like phantom limb pain.
5. You have the right to ask people to bring you pizza, not platitudes.
6. You have the right to your own definition of grief. For someone else the loss may have some unknowable reason; it may be a journey, a blessing 'in disguise', bad karma, a teachable moment, part of a plan, a test, a process, a choice. It doesn't have to be any of those things for you. It can simply be where you are at the time. Or it can be senseless, stupid, meaningless and profoundly awful.
7. You have the right not to be grateful, reasonable, inspired or inspiring.
8. You have the right not to feel or believe or be comforted by any of the following: "he's in a better place; his work here was done; she's in your heart; it's a blessing; it's no one's fault; time heals all wounds; you'll find a new one; it could have been worse."
9. You have the right to buzz around, filling your life with activities and people so you don't have to feel a thing.
10. You have the right to feel what you can feel when you can feel it. Be numb when you are numb. Seek comfort when you can stand to. Sometimes the deep fog of grief can make all intimacy too painful - any feelings unbearable. You have the right not to bear them even when everyone around you says you MUST FEEL YOUR FEELINGS OR YOU WILL NEVER MOVE ON.
11. You have the right not to "move on."
12. You have the right to ungodly, ugly, blind rage.
13. You have the right to feel complete, utter hoplessness and despair, and to say – out loud – over and over, that it will never get better, you will never feel better – without everyone shushing you.
14. You have the right to eat or sing or say whatever you want.
15. You have the right to be inalterably changed. The person you were before the death of your loved one is gone. You are now someone else. You don't know who yet. It's your right to find out.
16. You have the right to experience the many tricky, shape-shifting forms grief takes in whatever order you experience them: Here it looks like rage. There it takes the shape of obsession. It has many forms. They are all true. They are all lies.
17. You have the right to stay where you are. Sometimes there are no signs at all and you are moving through grief's darkest depths without knowing it. It's like starting on the bottom floor of an elevator in the deepest core of the earth. Each floor you go up, the doors open, only to reveal more darkness. It all looks and feels the same, but it is not. You are moving toward where you need to be.
18. You have the right to self-pity, selfishness, self-loathing, self-awareness. You have the right to be YOURSELF. Deep grief is a profoundly lonely experience, and yet, it binds us all. We all walk beside you, which will give you comfort when you are ready.
1. You have the right to take whatever path you take through your grief without judgment.
2. You have the right to ignore or incorporate any or all of the MOUNTAINS of advice you will get.
3. You have the right to say: "No thank you."
4. You have the right to grieve for whatever you have lost, including things you never had but ache for, like phantom limb pain.
5. You have the right to ask people to bring you pizza, not platitudes.
6. You have the right to your own definition of grief. For someone else the loss may have some unknowable reason; it may be a journey, a blessing 'in disguise', bad karma, a teachable moment, part of a plan, a test, a process, a choice. It doesn't have to be any of those things for you. It can simply be where you are at the time. Or it can be senseless, stupid, meaningless and profoundly awful.
7. You have the right not to be grateful, reasonable, inspired or inspiring.
8. You have the right not to feel or believe or be comforted by any of the following: "he's in a better place; his work here was done; she's in your heart; it's a blessing; it's no one's fault; time heals all wounds; you'll find a new one; it could have been worse."
9. You have the right to buzz around, filling your life with activities and people so you don't have to feel a thing.
10. You have the right to feel what you can feel when you can feel it. Be numb when you are numb. Seek comfort when you can stand to. Sometimes the deep fog of grief can make all intimacy too painful - any feelings unbearable. You have the right not to bear them even when everyone around you says you MUST FEEL YOUR FEELINGS OR YOU WILL NEVER MOVE ON.
11. You have the right not to "move on."
12. You have the right to ungodly, ugly, blind rage.
13. You have the right to feel complete, utter hoplessness and despair, and to say – out loud – over and over, that it will never get better, you will never feel better – without everyone shushing you.
14. You have the right to eat or sing or say whatever you want.
15. You have the right to be inalterably changed. The person you were before the death of your loved one is gone. You are now someone else. You don't know who yet. It's your right to find out.
16. You have the right to experience the many tricky, shape-shifting forms grief takes in whatever order you experience them: Here it looks like rage. There it takes the shape of obsession. It has many forms. They are all true. They are all lies.
17. You have the right to stay where you are. Sometimes there are no signs at all and you are moving through grief's darkest depths without knowing it. It's like starting on the bottom floor of an elevator in the deepest core of the earth. Each floor you go up, the doors open, only to reveal more darkness. It all looks and feels the same, but it is not. You are moving toward where you need to be.
18. You have the right to self-pity, selfishness, self-loathing, self-awareness. You have the right to be YOURSELF. Deep grief is a profoundly lonely experience, and yet, it binds us all. We all walk beside you, which will give you comfort when you are ready.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Questions from Anna
Anna is my inquisitive child... she likes to ask questions all the time. Lately she's been asking questions about my jewelry... Today it was about my wedding rings that I am still wearing. She wanted to know where I got them... I told her that Daddy gave them to me. She then asked about my heart necklace (a locket with the word Mom on it) and I told her that she and Lily gave me that. Then she asked about my necklace with the letter C on it and the big circle (Lee's wedding ring). I told her that Daddy gave me the necklace and that when he died that I asked for his ring. That seemed to satisfy her for today.
I've been thinking about my jewlery quite a bit myself lately.. I'd been considering taking off my wedding rings (not that I no longer love Lee or that I'm ready to date at all) but then the other day Anna noticed that I didn't have them on yet (i take them off at night mostly since I'm afraid of scratching myself with them).. so she asked and I went and got them from the spot that i put them each night. She helped me put them on and then gave me a big smile and said to me... Now you're Mommy again. It made me smile. That very simple little sentence made me realize that for now I can't really take the rings off yet. That to her they are part of me. That I wear rings that Daddy gave me a long time ago makes me her mom in her mind. It might be even less simple than that for her but for now I'm happy to wear them. I actually don't want to take them off.. it makes things easier. They are such a part of me that I actually feel weird not having them on. It's like a part of Lee is still with me somehow.
I've been thinking about my jewlery quite a bit myself lately.. I'd been considering taking off my wedding rings (not that I no longer love Lee or that I'm ready to date at all) but then the other day Anna noticed that I didn't have them on yet (i take them off at night mostly since I'm afraid of scratching myself with them).. so she asked and I went and got them from the spot that i put them each night. She helped me put them on and then gave me a big smile and said to me... Now you're Mommy again. It made me smile. That very simple little sentence made me realize that for now I can't really take the rings off yet. That to her they are part of me. That I wear rings that Daddy gave me a long time ago makes me her mom in her mind. It might be even less simple than that for her but for now I'm happy to wear them. I actually don't want to take them off.. it makes things easier. They are such a part of me that I actually feel weird not having them on. It's like a part of Lee is still with me somehow.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Three weeks later....
So it's been 3 weeks since I have blogged.. I know I know you didn't miss me at all... but I've missed writing here. I started my newest adventure... a new job at Genzyme in Cambridge, MA I'm doing Data Entry for the RenAssist program. Genzyme provides drugs for patients who are on Hemodialysis mostly due to End Stage Renal Disease or Cronic Kidney Disease. I've been there for 2 weeks so far and I like it... there's quite a bit to learn. Currently I've been entering Part D applications (applications from patients with Part D Medicare insurance) and Dailies - which are patients that are trying to verify that they have coverage.. I also get to do projects and have done 3 already in the 2 weeks that I've been there.
Anna and Lily have been doing great with the new routine that we've had to adopt so that I can get to work on time. I've actually been early by 15 minutes almost everyday. My mom has been very helpful in getting the girls for me from daycare most days and bringing them home for me or to her house for dinner till I can get home.
Two weeks ago the girls and I attended our second Camp Stepping Stones, which is a camp that is put together by the Center for Grief and Healing that is affliliated with the Hospice that Lee was at when he died. This year the girls seemed to have a really great time. They knew what to expect and made all sorts of arts and crafts projects this year. They also got some time to go swimming and have some pet therapy with Miniature Ponies. Meanwhile I attended a couple of presentations on helping the girls with their grief, got a massage, did some art projects of my own and attended 2 workshops. I'm looking very forward to getting the picture CD in the mail this year since I know that they took a ton of pictures of my girls during their activities.
Anna and Lily have been doing great with the new routine that we've had to adopt so that I can get to work on time. I've actually been early by 15 minutes almost everyday. My mom has been very helpful in getting the girls for me from daycare most days and bringing them home for me or to her house for dinner till I can get home.
Two weeks ago the girls and I attended our second Camp Stepping Stones, which is a camp that is put together by the Center for Grief and Healing that is affliliated with the Hospice that Lee was at when he died. This year the girls seemed to have a really great time. They knew what to expect and made all sorts of arts and crafts projects this year. They also got some time to go swimming and have some pet therapy with Miniature Ponies. Meanwhile I attended a couple of presentations on helping the girls with their grief, got a massage, did some art projects of my own and attended 2 workshops. I'm looking very forward to getting the picture CD in the mail this year since I know that they took a ton of pictures of my girls during their activities.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Sometimes Life Sucks
Friends of ours from church got some not so good news last week. Their precious little girl , age 5, wasn't feeling well and they did what all parents do.. they took her to the hospital to be checked out. They got the diagnosis of Leukemia and she is now over at a wonderful hospital in the Boston area and has been told that she has the best type to have with a really great survival rate of almost 90%.
My heart keeps breaking for her and her family. I keep looking at my girls and thinking about how I'd be coping if something ever were to happen to my girls.. I know that I'd be devastated, heartbroken and not doing well. The same feelings I had just about 15-16 months ago when Lee was going through the last weeks of his life. My friends (the mom and dad) seem to be coping well so far. Yet I know that they are probably thinking "Why us?" "why now?". I'm trying my best to be supportive and since their daughters (they have twins also) are friends with my girls, I'm trying my best to discuss this situation with Anna and Lily in terms that they will understand. They know that C is in the hospital and would love to hear from them so this morning we got out some paper and markers and drew some pictures and mailed them off.
Lily was rather cute when I was telling her about C. She realizes that Daddy was in a hospital when he died and recently saw some pictures of me in the hospital when I was giving birth and asked me if I went to the hospital to die like Daddy.. so when we had the discussion about C, I made sure to tell her that C will be coming back to her home and that eventually we will get to play with her again but we will need to be careful with her. She seemed to understand but at the same time was asking why Daddy didn't get to come home too and wanted to go visit C to give her a big hug and get the monsters off her. I told her that we can't visit her right now but maybe once she is home and can have friends over.
My heart keeps breaking for her and her family. I keep looking at my girls and thinking about how I'd be coping if something ever were to happen to my girls.. I know that I'd be devastated, heartbroken and not doing well. The same feelings I had just about 15-16 months ago when Lee was going through the last weeks of his life. My friends (the mom and dad) seem to be coping well so far. Yet I know that they are probably thinking "Why us?" "why now?". I'm trying my best to be supportive and since their daughters (they have twins also) are friends with my girls, I'm trying my best to discuss this situation with Anna and Lily in terms that they will understand. They know that C is in the hospital and would love to hear from them so this morning we got out some paper and markers and drew some pictures and mailed them off.
Lily was rather cute when I was telling her about C. She realizes that Daddy was in a hospital when he died and recently saw some pictures of me in the hospital when I was giving birth and asked me if I went to the hospital to die like Daddy.. so when we had the discussion about C, I made sure to tell her that C will be coming back to her home and that eventually we will get to play with her again but we will need to be careful with her. She seemed to understand but at the same time was asking why Daddy didn't get to come home too and wanted to go visit C to give her a big hug and get the monsters off her. I told her that we can't visit her right now but maybe once she is home and can have friends over.
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