I feel like lately all I post about are things that get me down or are depressing. I need to change that. But sometimes it's hard to be positive. I see so many other families and think why us.. why not them? Why do they get to be whole and happy? Why didn't we get to have Lee for the next 20+ years? Why when the girls are still so little? Why not have this happen when they were old enough to understand better? I feel like I keep trying and failing to be a good mother. Maybe my expectations are too high. I'm far from perfect and don't exactly strive to be but I wish I had more patience with them at times.
I feel the need to be more positive. The girls do keep me laughing and smiling with their antics and comments. I love hearing their versions of stories. Anna impresses me so much at times. The other night I heard her reading one of the alphabet books to herself and she did a great job naming most of the animals in it (and some of them I'm not very familiar with either). She's also great at singing to herself and making up songs. Lily loves her firetrucks and babies with a passion. Both of them lately love to sing to the stars at night.. a sweet rendition of Twinkle Twinkle that is so cute.
Halloween should be fun this year since they are so into wearing their costumes and the whole idea of trick or treating. I can't wait..
Monday, October 24, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Six Months later
Hard to believe that it has been 6 months since Lee passed away.. As I said to someone this past week, sometimes it feels like longer and other times it feels like it was almost yesterday that he died. I also realized something though, I'm actually surviving. I'm doing ok. I don't breakdown as much anymore. I have my moments but they are getting better. I miss Lee with all my heart and wish that he were still here but I'm doing ok and know that I will be ok in the future.
Our minister recently gave me some pictures that she had taken when the girls saw Lee for the last time at the hospital. They were painful to look at the first couple of times but I can look at them now and see all sorts of love in them between the girls and Lee. Lily saw me loading them on the computer and remarked "I miss Daddy".
Anna has been asking to draw pictures of our family lately with just Mommy, Anna and Lily. It's not as heartbreaking as it was when I saw her first Family drawing without Daddy in it. It's our new reality.
Our minister recently gave me some pictures that she had taken when the girls saw Lee for the last time at the hospital. They were painful to look at the first couple of times but I can look at them now and see all sorts of love in them between the girls and Lee. Lily saw me loading them on the computer and remarked "I miss Daddy".
Anna has been asking to draw pictures of our family lately with just Mommy, Anna and Lily. It's not as heartbreaking as it was when I saw her first Family drawing without Daddy in it. It's our new reality.
Friday, September 30, 2011
One Year ago....
It doesn't seem possible that...
one year ago I had a healthy husband, 2 year old twins and was heading to California to go and visit Lee's mom, brother and SIL.
One year ago we visited with and videoed Lee's mom with our girls.
One year ago I was thinking about how great it was that the girls were finally getting to meet their Grandma Ringen.
One year ago we took the girls on an hour's walk around my BIL's neighborhood to help tire them out for a nap.
One year ago the girls rode the merry go round for the first and second time and loved it.
One year ago Lee was not looking forward to saying goodbye to his mom since he was afraid that it would be the last time that he would see her alive.
One year ago I would have never thought that I would lose my husband.
one year ago I had a healthy husband, 2 year old twins and was heading to California to go and visit Lee's mom, brother and SIL.
One year ago we visited with and videoed Lee's mom with our girls.
One year ago I was thinking about how great it was that the girls were finally getting to meet their Grandma Ringen.
One year ago we took the girls on an hour's walk around my BIL's neighborhood to help tire them out for a nap.
One year ago the girls rode the merry go round for the first and second time and loved it.
One year ago Lee was not looking forward to saying goodbye to his mom since he was afraid that it would be the last time that he would see her alive.
One year ago I would have never thought that I would lose my husband.
Monday, September 12, 2011
A small announcement
No I'm not shutting myself down.... I have too much to say... but this is my 300th post on here and I don't want to waste it on mundane stuff.. My SIL and BIL were here today to see the kids and I while they are on this coast doing some visiting. Debbie mentioned that a widow she knows would write in a journal to and about her husband. I liked that idea.. so I'm adopting it.. I'm thinking once a week will be my day to write the blog as a letter to Lee about what is going on around here.. what the girls are doing, how we are coping.. I might do it the old fashioned way (paper and pen) but I like the thought of doing it electronically. I'll see how it feels and go from there.
The girls and I are heading to the cemetary this weekend for the first time together. There is a ceremony for the families of those that have been buried over the past year on Saturday morning. I figured it might be the best timing for bringing the girls up there. I'm hoping that it goes ok.. I'm hoping that I keep it somewhat together.. If anyone knows how to explain where I am taking the girls before Saturday please let me know.. I need all the advice I can muster..
The girls and I are heading to the cemetary this weekend for the first time together. There is a ceremony for the families of those that have been buried over the past year on Saturday morning. I figured it might be the best timing for bringing the girls up there. I'm hoping that it goes ok.. I'm hoping that I keep it somewhat together.. If anyone knows how to explain where I am taking the girls before Saturday please let me know.. I need all the advice I can muster..
Monday, September 5, 2011
Momma you ok
Ugh... Momma has not been feeling too good lately... not sure why.. I'll go with allergies to pollen levels for now.. but I have been coughing for a few days now.. it's a great Ab workout..not. I have been taking decongestant and Tussin CM to keep it in check but I think the high rate of me coughing has gotten the girls a touch worried.. I heard the words Momma you ok a few times today especially. This is when I miss Lee the most.. when I'm not feeling good.. if he were here I could just take a well deserved nap and know that he would keep an eye on them. But that's not my reality anymore.. Yeah i could have called someone to help me out but it's also a holiday weekend.. so I doubt that anyone would have been home.
On a slightly unrelated note.. Lily especially has been rather upset and wanting her Daddy.. Tonight I tried a new tactic.. I had recently hung up a few pictures of Lee and the 4 of us together.. So I brought her to one of the pictures and told her to say Hi to Daddy and tell him that she misses him.. it sort of worked and not to be left out, Anna wanted a turn too. She did a bit better with the message.
On a slightly unrelated note.. Lily especially has been rather upset and wanting her Daddy.. Tonight I tried a new tactic.. I had recently hung up a few pictures of Lee and the 4 of us together.. So I brought her to one of the pictures and told her to say Hi to Daddy and tell him that she misses him.. it sort of worked and not to be left out, Anna wanted a turn too. She did a bit better with the message.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
GoodBye August
Argh... How is that August is over already??? No.... August is one of my favorite months... it brings my birthday along with my Mom's, Dani's and my MIL Shirley's.
This year August also brought a trip to StoryLand and Santa's Village. It was a fun trip... I want to go back as do the girls. Anna was all over the rides.. she loved the Carousel, the ball pit, the Tea Cup rides (we went on 2), the Antique Cars and the Train. She was not wild about the Polar Coaster but she tried it. Lily loved the Antique Cars, the Tea Cups (after going on them once), the Train,the Ball Pit, the Farm Tractor ride (she went 2x). The Carousel she was not wild about and sat on the bench with Mommy. I so wanted to go on the Bamboo Chutes ride.. but the days that we went it was not the best weather for it.. Both girls loved the Loopy Lab and playing with all the balls.
Santa's Village was a better weather day and we tried our best to get as many rides in as possible but some of the lines were just too long.. like the Log Flume Ride.. I really wanted to do that one since I had missed it at StoryLand. Lily was disappointed that the line for the Antique Cars was too long also.. She did like the raft ride though (we raced Grandma and Anna). She also LOVED that we got to see SANTA CLAUS. Anna loved the Pixie ride..and riding the Carousel. Heck any ride.. Both girls rode and loved the Himalaya ride. Lily's smile was priceless to me.
Once we got home I finished the first of the Anklet socks.. I am so proud of myself.. but now I need to psych myself up to start the second one. I think that once I am done with the second sock I am going to try to work on my blankets more and maybe even try to figure out the sweater that my MIL was working on and I got unfinished.
I'm looking forward to September... it means shorter days and the start of Fall and continuing to learn how to keep on going without Lee.
This year August also brought a trip to StoryLand and Santa's Village. It was a fun trip... I want to go back as do the girls. Anna was all over the rides.. she loved the Carousel, the ball pit, the Tea Cup rides (we went on 2), the Antique Cars and the Train. She was not wild about the Polar Coaster but she tried it. Lily loved the Antique Cars, the Tea Cups (after going on them once), the Train,the Ball Pit, the Farm Tractor ride (she went 2x). The Carousel she was not wild about and sat on the bench with Mommy. I so wanted to go on the Bamboo Chutes ride.. but the days that we went it was not the best weather for it.. Both girls loved the Loopy Lab and playing with all the balls.
Santa's Village was a better weather day and we tried our best to get as many rides in as possible but some of the lines were just too long.. like the Log Flume Ride.. I really wanted to do that one since I had missed it at StoryLand. Lily was disappointed that the line for the Antique Cars was too long also.. She did like the raft ride though (we raced Grandma and Anna). She also LOVED that we got to see SANTA CLAUS. Anna loved the Pixie ride..and riding the Carousel. Heck any ride.. Both girls rode and loved the Himalaya ride. Lily's smile was priceless to me.
Once we got home I finished the first of the Anklet socks.. I am so proud of myself.. but now I need to psych myself up to start the second one. I think that once I am done with the second sock I am going to try to work on my blankets more and maybe even try to figure out the sweater that my MIL was working on and I got unfinished.
I'm looking forward to September... it means shorter days and the start of Fall and continuing to learn how to keep on going without Lee.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Some Musings of Late
Lately I think my mind is playing tricks on me... I drove past the train station the other day and happened to notice the people coming out of the station. I swear I looked for Lee in the crowd since I used to go and pick him up there almost every evening till the girls were born. Today I went into Harvard Square and wound up at the Harvard Coop. I made a beeline to the Children's books department half expecting to see him there (he had worked there while we were dating and for the first little bit of our marriage). I also walked down Church Street looking for our favorite sandwich shop ... ironically called Lee's Sandwich Shop. It's gone now.. I had been hoping to have my lunch there today. Maybe that was for the best since I wasn't sure if I would have been able to eat anything since we ate there so much while dating and the memories might be too much.
I dislike that I'm becoming like the girls.. looking for him everywhere and expecting to see him at some point. I'm the adult... I should be able to get through this. My head and heart know that he is gone forever, but there is a small part of me that keeps hoping that he'll come back. That probably sounds insane but I want him back. I can't keep thinking about how different things might be if Lee were still here. How I might be able to look for jobs without having to rearrange my life to be able to get the girls where I need to get them at a reasonable time so that I can go to a job with regularish 9-5 hours. That I'd still have someone to talk over the days with and be silly with. That Lee would be planning all sorts of fun trips and things to do that are nearby and don't cost much to do. That we would be going to Storyland together and sharing the experience of watching the girls on their first true amusement rides. I'm so grateful that my brother is doing this for us. He'd actually planned it all before Lee died and I'm glad that we are going anyway but it feels a bit bittersweet for me at the moment.
I dislike that I'm becoming like the girls.. looking for him everywhere and expecting to see him at some point. I'm the adult... I should be able to get through this. My head and heart know that he is gone forever, but there is a small part of me that keeps hoping that he'll come back. That probably sounds insane but I want him back. I can't keep thinking about how different things might be if Lee were still here. How I might be able to look for jobs without having to rearrange my life to be able to get the girls where I need to get them at a reasonable time so that I can go to a job with regularish 9-5 hours. That I'd still have someone to talk over the days with and be silly with. That Lee would be planning all sorts of fun trips and things to do that are nearby and don't cost much to do. That we would be going to Storyland together and sharing the experience of watching the girls on their first true amusement rides. I'm so grateful that my brother is doing this for us. He'd actually planned it all before Lee died and I'm glad that we are going anyway but it feels a bit bittersweet for me at the moment.
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