A Letter

(ok I'm the one actually writing but I think these are things that the girls might say)

Dear Daddy,

Where are you? We miss you. Mommy says that you were sick and died.. so that's what we tell everyone we see sometimes. It's been a long year without you here. Mommy cries alot cause she's sad that you died. We do lots of new things now.. Anna pees and poops on the potty and Lily tries hard to use the potty but will get there soon. We're not babies anymore. We are BIG GIRLS. We like to watch Dora and Diego and Yo Gabba Gabba a lot and we really like Fresh Beat Band too. We like to dance and be silly and get into all sorts of stuff. We sleep with Mommy sometimes at night.. We have big kid beds now.. no more cribs for us. Cribs are for babies.. We like watching movies of you from when we went to California to see Grandma Ringen.


Hi Daddy,

How are you doing ? I love you. Adios. I made a rock today at Grief Group. My Mom's using the computer. I'm drinking Chocolate Milk. It's yummy. Happy Valentine's Day. I have a mushroom.

Love, Anna. (Anna's actual thoughts).

Thoughts

Just thinking today... hard to think that a year ago is when I talked to Lee's doctor at MGH and she told me what was happening and what could happen. She was so kind to me... explaining everything and answering all my questions. She even took the numbers for Lee's brothers so that she could help with those phone calls. It still amazes me that they came out so quickly to see Lee and be here for us.

I also was watching the girls today while they were playing and noticed how well they (usually) play together. How big they are getting.. they aren't my babies anymore.. they are getting taller and wiser and are so smart. I try not to blink too much these days since I don't want to miss a moment of this time with them. Their personalities are really blossoming lately and they have been doing and saying so many funny things.

One Year Later

I'm posting this 2 weeks early... then again the world officially cracked on March 28th 2011 and was folllowed by the worst 2 weeks ever.. I still remember the details of each day that Lee was in the hospital and eventually the Hospice. I remember so much. Sometimes it doesn't feel real still. Like I'm going to wake up someday and it will all be some really awful dream that happened and that Lee will be here next to me still. Or that someone is going to reveal that this was all some really elaborate April Fool joke. I know the reality. I know that Lee really is gone. That it's all up to me now to raise these girls of mine. I can do it.. I've been doing it for almost a year now. I just sometimes wish that Lee was here to see how big the girls are getting and how well they are doing. We miss him so much..

Cut....

I finally cut Lily's hair... Personally I think she's so adorable.. even more so now...

Lily Before...

Lily After..

The ends need a professional's touch but not bad for a quick trim via Mom and Grandma.

I love this Quote

So much that I think I've shared it a couple of times on my Facebook page.. but it's so true.. at least for me.

The List... Do you have one?

Not exactly a bucket list... but I have a list somewhere around here that Lee and I made years ago.. It has all sorts of things on it. Things that we wanted to do at some point.. obviously we didn't get to do much of it.. When I next see it I might see if there are things on it that I still want to do or take the girls to do with me.

I also have another list.. it's a sentimental one so feel free to hit the back button to avoid it.. I won't be upset.

This list has the things that I miss about Lee after I read an article in the back of the Boston Sunday Globe Magazine yesterday while eating my lunch about Valentine traditions (or something like that).. This list is filled with inane stuff like
how Lee would kiss the back of my neck and how much I loved it and how I would cry out that I was unbalanced (he'd kiss one side and then after I complained he'd kiss the opposite side).
It also has the term Bedpiggy on it since one of us would somehow take over the entire bed and the other person would call the bed hoarder a Bedpiggy.
Impromptu trips that he'd throw together for us.. I think the last one took us to Revere Beach after midnight in March (or was it February) while I was pregnant with the girls.
The year that for Valentine's Day Lee made me pink milkshakes.. not a strawberry milkshake but a vanilla milkshake with red food coloring to make it pink.
That he remembered how important the dates of February 14th and February 23rd are to me and that he would celebrate both with me every year ( we kissed on the 14th and started to seriously date on the 23rd).
That he could make me laugh all the time. Seriously all he had to do was look at me and point his finger at me and I would burst into a fit of laughter. Not sure how he ever did that..

It truly was the little things that made our relationship special. I doubt that I could ever find anyone else that would care enough to do all these things (and more that I'm sure I'll remember later) for and with me and not complain (too much).

Baby steps of Progress

Not sure how or why but somehow a switch got flipped this week with Lily.. it happened on Tuesday... I took her to daycare as usual and when I got home from work, she had transformed from a Baby who wears Diapers into a Big Girl who wears Panties.. cause I got flashed by Miss Lily and her underpants.. since Tuesday night she's been wearing panties during the daytime (and using the Potty) and Night diapers at Night (she hasn't exactly mastered the staying dry during the night yet). We've been doing so much celebrating when Lily makes it to the potty in time and reminding her that accidents happen when she forgets or doesn't make it in time.