My Bill of Rights as a Widow...

Bill of Rights for Grief

1. You have the right to take whatever path you take through your grief without judgment.

2. You have the right to ignore or incorporate any or all of the MOUNTAINS of advice you will get.

3. You have the right to say: "No thank you."

4. You have the right to grieve for whatever you have lost, including things you never had but ache for, like phantom limb pain.

5. You have the right to ask people to bring you pizza, not platitudes.

6. You have the right to your own definition of grief. For someone else the loss may have some unknowable reason; it may be a journey, a blessing 'in disguise', bad karma, a teachable moment, part of a plan, a test, a process, a choice. It doesn't have to be any of those things for you. It can simply be where you are at the time. Or it can be senseless, stupid, meaningless and profoundly awful.

7. You have the right not to be grateful, reasonable, inspired or inspiring.

8. You have the right not to feel or believe or be comforted by any of the following: "he's in a better place; his work here was done; she's in your heart; it's a blessing; it's no one's fault; time heals all wounds; you'll find a new one; it could have been worse."

9. You have the right to buzz around, filling your life with activities and people so you don't have to feel a thing.

10. You have the right to feel what you can feel when you can feel it. Be numb when you are numb. Seek comfort when you can stand to. Sometimes the deep fog of grief can make all intimacy too painful - any feelings unbearable. You have the right not to bear them even when everyone around you says you MUST FEEL YOUR FEELINGS OR YOU WILL NEVER MOVE ON.

11. You have the right not to "move on."

12. You have the right to ungodly, ugly, blind rage.

13. You have the right to feel complete, utter hoplessness and despair, and to say – out loud – over and over, that it will never get better, you will never feel better – without everyone shushing you.

14. You have the right to eat or sing or say whatever you want.

15. You have the right to be inalterably changed. The person you were before the death of your loved one is gone. You are now someone else. You don't know who yet. It's your right to find out.

16. You have the right to experience the many tricky, shape-shifting forms grief takes in whatever order you experience them: Here it looks like rage. There it takes the shape of obsession. It has many forms. They are all true. They are all lies.

17. You have the right to stay where you are. Sometimes there are no signs at all and you are moving through grief's darkest depths without knowing it. It's like starting on the bottom floor of an elevator in the deepest core of the earth. Each floor you go up, the doors open, only to reveal more darkness. It all looks and feels the same, but it is not. You are moving toward where you need to be.

18. You have the right to self-pity, selfishness, self-loathing, self-awareness. You have the right to be YOURSELF. Deep grief is a profoundly lonely experience, and yet, it binds us all. We all walk beside you, which will give you comfort when you are ready.

Questions from Anna

Anna is my inquisitive child... she likes to ask questions all the time. Lately she's been asking questions about my jewelry... Today it was about my wedding rings that I am still wearing. She wanted to know where I got them... I told her that Daddy gave them to me. She then asked about my heart necklace (a locket with the word Mom on it) and I told her that she and Lily gave me that. Then she asked about my necklace with the letter C on it and the big circle (Lee's wedding ring). I told her that Daddy gave me the necklace and that when he died that I asked for his ring. That seemed to satisfy her for today.

I've been thinking about my jewlery quite a bit myself lately.. I'd been considering taking off my wedding rings (not that I no longer love Lee or that I'm ready to date at all) but then the other day Anna noticed that I didn't have them on yet (i take them off at night mostly since I'm afraid of scratching myself with them).. so she asked and I went and got them from the spot that i put them each night. She helped me put them on and then gave me a big smile and said to me... Now you're Mommy again. It made me smile. That very simple little sentence made me realize that for now I can't really take the rings off yet. That to her they are part of me. That I wear rings that Daddy gave me a long time ago makes me her mom in her mind. It might be even less simple than that for her but for now I'm happy to wear them. I actually don't want to take them off.. it makes things easier. They are such a part of me that I actually feel weird not having them on. It's like a part of Lee is still with me somehow.