Argh... How is that August is over already??? No.... August is one of my favorite months... it brings my birthday along with my Mom's, Dani's and my MIL Shirley's.
This year August also brought a trip to StoryLand and Santa's Village. It was a fun trip... I want to go back as do the girls. Anna was all over the rides.. she loved the Carousel, the ball pit, the Tea Cup rides (we went on 2), the Antique Cars and the Train. She was not wild about the Polar Coaster but she tried it. Lily loved the Antique Cars, the Tea Cups (after going on them once), the Train,the Ball Pit, the Farm Tractor ride (she went 2x). The Carousel she was not wild about and sat on the bench with Mommy. I so wanted to go on the Bamboo Chutes ride.. but the days that we went it was not the best weather for it.. Both girls loved the Loopy Lab and playing with all the balls.
Santa's Village was a better weather day and we tried our best to get as many rides in as possible but some of the lines were just too long.. like the Log Flume Ride.. I really wanted to do that one since I had missed it at StoryLand. Lily was disappointed that the line for the Antique Cars was too long also.. She did like the raft ride though (we raced Grandma and Anna). She also LOVED that we got to see SANTA CLAUS. Anna loved the Pixie ride..and riding the Carousel. Heck any ride.. Both girls rode and loved the Himalaya ride. Lily's smile was priceless to me.
Once we got home I finished the first of the Anklet socks.. I am so proud of myself.. but now I need to psych myself up to start the second one. I think that once I am done with the second sock I am going to try to work on my blankets more and maybe even try to figure out the sweater that my MIL was working on and I got unfinished.
I'm looking forward to September... it means shorter days and the start of Fall and continuing to learn how to keep on going without Lee.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Some Musings of Late
Lately I think my mind is playing tricks on me... I drove past the train station the other day and happened to notice the people coming out of the station. I swear I looked for Lee in the crowd since I used to go and pick him up there almost every evening till the girls were born. Today I went into Harvard Square and wound up at the Harvard Coop. I made a beeline to the Children's books department half expecting to see him there (he had worked there while we were dating and for the first little bit of our marriage). I also walked down Church Street looking for our favorite sandwich shop ... ironically called Lee's Sandwich Shop. It's gone now.. I had been hoping to have my lunch there today. Maybe that was for the best since I wasn't sure if I would have been able to eat anything since we ate there so much while dating and the memories might be too much.
I dislike that I'm becoming like the girls.. looking for him everywhere and expecting to see him at some point. I'm the adult... I should be able to get through this. My head and heart know that he is gone forever, but there is a small part of me that keeps hoping that he'll come back. That probably sounds insane but I want him back. I can't keep thinking about how different things might be if Lee were still here. How I might be able to look for jobs without having to rearrange my life to be able to get the girls where I need to get them at a reasonable time so that I can go to a job with regularish 9-5 hours. That I'd still have someone to talk over the days with and be silly with. That Lee would be planning all sorts of fun trips and things to do that are nearby and don't cost much to do. That we would be going to Storyland together and sharing the experience of watching the girls on their first true amusement rides. I'm so grateful that my brother is doing this for us. He'd actually planned it all before Lee died and I'm glad that we are going anyway but it feels a bit bittersweet for me at the moment.
I dislike that I'm becoming like the girls.. looking for him everywhere and expecting to see him at some point. I'm the adult... I should be able to get through this. My head and heart know that he is gone forever, but there is a small part of me that keeps hoping that he'll come back. That probably sounds insane but I want him back. I can't keep thinking about how different things might be if Lee were still here. How I might be able to look for jobs without having to rearrange my life to be able to get the girls where I need to get them at a reasonable time so that I can go to a job with regularish 9-5 hours. That I'd still have someone to talk over the days with and be silly with. That Lee would be planning all sorts of fun trips and things to do that are nearby and don't cost much to do. That we would be going to Storyland together and sharing the experience of watching the girls on their first true amusement rides. I'm so grateful that my brother is doing this for us. He'd actually planned it all before Lee died and I'm glad that we are going anyway but it feels a bit bittersweet for me at the moment.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Marker is in...
Well it's finally in... the guys at the cemetary came through and got it done on Monday. I went up today with flowers since I needed to see it myself. I have to admit, I thought I was prepared and could do this alone.. Ha.. though at least noone was there to witness my small breakdown when I arrived or to hear my muttering as I arranged the flowers over and over till in my mind they were perfectly arranged. I spent a bit of time there just sitting and being and enjoying the quiet of the cemetary.
I had brought a dozen roses from me and a special rose each from the girls.
It does seem somewhat weird to me to see my name on the marker too. It's my final resting spot also so I'm going to have to get used to it. Now I just need to find some time for the girls to go up and visit Daddy. That one will need to be coordinated carefully though since I'm going to be needing back up and support for that visit.
In other news the girls have been asking for Daddy more lately.. Anna is convinced that we can build a block tower high enough to Daddy and keeps trying to build really tall towers before they fall over. They also are somewhat convinced that when 'Daddy come back' that Mommy will be happy... I think they've seen me cry a little too much lately.
In other news the girls have been asking for Daddy more lately.. Anna is convinced that we can build a block tower high enough to Daddy and keeps trying to build really tall towers before they fall over. They also are somewhat convinced that when 'Daddy come back' that Mommy will be happy... I think they've seen me cry a little too much lately.
I also spent a few days going through Lee's SciFi Books.. I currently have 9 boxes of them (disclaimer that most of the boxes are diaper boxes).. and then today I cleaned out his side of our closet.. I haven't touched the closet in the hall with his t-shirts yet... that one will be the hardest to do and will take me a long time to decide to do. No rush...
Monday, August 1, 2011
Hard Day
Today I was driving the girls to school and listening to a DVD and thinking about Lee and I started crying. The girls noticed and told me that "it ok Mommy" and "you ok Mommy?" .... Anna really got me with her statement of "Mommy when Daddy back he make you happy.." I tried to tell her that Daddy isn't coming back ever. It's a hard concept to understand when you are 3 years old... and it doesn't seem to get any easier to understand when you are 37 either.
I was a puddle of tears for alot of today. I couldn't help thinking about how today was the day that the cemetary had told me that his marker would be installed. I didn't go up today.. I thought about it but decided not to go just in case I went up before it actually got installed and was disappointed. I hope to go up on Wednesday.. hopefully with some flowers.. on my own. I keep thinking I should bring my mom or my minister with me but part of me just wants the private time with him. To know that this really is my reality... that Lee really is gone... forever and ever. That we won't be growing older together like we thought we would. That is one of the harder things for me: That I'm going to be alone.
I was a puddle of tears for alot of today. I couldn't help thinking about how today was the day that the cemetary had told me that his marker would be installed. I didn't go up today.. I thought about it but decided not to go just in case I went up before it actually got installed and was disappointed. I hope to go up on Wednesday.. hopefully with some flowers.. on my own. I keep thinking I should bring my mom or my minister with me but part of me just wants the private time with him. To know that this really is my reality... that Lee really is gone... forever and ever. That we won't be growing older together like we thought we would. That is one of the harder things for me: That I'm going to be alone.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Sleep .. the final frontier
For the first time in awhile my threats worked... I told them that they needed to go to sleep so that we can get up early and go to the Zoo tomorrow. They both fell asleep easily tonight.. I think it more has to do with that we are going to a new daycare and that the new provider is able to not nap the girls for me in the afternoon which is making our nights here much easier.. Everyone is well rested for once.. well maybe not the mommy but I can catch up every so often.
I wasn't sure that I'd even get to this point and heck we still have some nights that aren't that great and I want to pawn them off to someone else to deal with. It's finally getting somewhat easier to do this alone. I don't need to ask people to come over to help get them to sleep. I also don't need to call people because I am unable to deal with the process of getting them to sleep. We are finally starting to find a new normal. Well at least at bedtime. There is still quite a bit of fighting going on (that never leaves I'm guessing) and lately they are asking more for Lee. Anna has even gone so far as to tell me that she talked to Daddy last night. Today she told me about going on the airplane with Daddy (we went to CA in Sept '10) and me (Mommy) and Lily.
Maybe I can wrap my brain around trying to get them to go Potty soon. Since that seems to be the next big hurdle to work on and conquer with both of them.
I wasn't sure that I'd even get to this point and heck we still have some nights that aren't that great and I want to pawn them off to someone else to deal with. It's finally getting somewhat easier to do this alone. I don't need to ask people to come over to help get them to sleep. I also don't need to call people because I am unable to deal with the process of getting them to sleep. We are finally starting to find a new normal. Well at least at bedtime. There is still quite a bit of fighting going on (that never leaves I'm guessing) and lately they are asking more for Lee. Anna has even gone so far as to tell me that she talked to Daddy last night. Today she told me about going on the airplane with Daddy (we went to CA in Sept '10) and me (Mommy) and Lily.
Maybe I can wrap my brain around trying to get them to go Potty soon. Since that seems to be the next big hurdle to work on and conquer with both of them.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Miss You So Much
Dear Lee,
It's been 3 months a week and 2 days since you passed away and I miss you every single day... I miss your crazy ideas, your chats with me at night after a long day (even before the girls arrived), cuddling in bed with you and the girls every so often. I miss how you'd ask me to rub your back and check for bumps but somehow never usually got around to doing the same for me. The random pictures that would just appear on my camera of the girls that I know I never took. I miss belting out Beatles songs with you, making you dance with me around the apartment every so often - you really didn't like when I asked.. but did it anyway to make me happy. I miss mini-golfing with you. The surprises that you would get for me just because.. our trips.. especially the ones that you would plan out and not tell me about until we were in the car. I miss the trips to the grocery store with the girls in tow and how you would push them around the store proud as could be when they still fit in the infant carseats and we used the double snap and go to get around. I don't miss the arguments that we would have. Though I do miss having someone to vent about Life and my mother too. I miss your point of view on the world.. you really made me think.. I miss all these things about you.. but most of all I miss YOU.. My rock, my best friend, my partner in crime. If it were up to me, you'd still be here and you would be perfectly healthy and dry. I'm probably being selfish but there are so many days that I just can't get through alone.. I wasn't meant to raise these girls alone.. It's taking a huge village already and sometimes I feel like I am the village idiot and everyone is just waiting for me to mess up royally. Somehow I am doing this though... I wish I knew how. Someday I hope to see you again once I eventually get to where ever it is that you are. I need to go now..Lily and Anna need me..
Love you forever,
Cheryl.
It's been 3 months a week and 2 days since you passed away and I miss you every single day... I miss your crazy ideas, your chats with me at night after a long day (even before the girls arrived), cuddling in bed with you and the girls every so often. I miss how you'd ask me to rub your back and check for bumps but somehow never usually got around to doing the same for me. The random pictures that would just appear on my camera of the girls that I know I never took. I miss belting out Beatles songs with you, making you dance with me around the apartment every so often - you really didn't like when I asked.. but did it anyway to make me happy. I miss mini-golfing with you. The surprises that you would get for me just because.. our trips.. especially the ones that you would plan out and not tell me about until we were in the car. I miss the trips to the grocery store with the girls in tow and how you would push them around the store proud as could be when they still fit in the infant carseats and we used the double snap and go to get around. I don't miss the arguments that we would have. Though I do miss having someone to vent about Life and my mother too. I miss your point of view on the world.. you really made me think.. I miss all these things about you.. but most of all I miss YOU.. My rock, my best friend, my partner in crime. If it were up to me, you'd still be here and you would be perfectly healthy and dry. I'm probably being selfish but there are so many days that I just can't get through alone.. I wasn't meant to raise these girls alone.. It's taking a huge village already and sometimes I feel like I am the village idiot and everyone is just waiting for me to mess up royally. Somehow I am doing this though... I wish I knew how. Someday I hope to see you again once I eventually get to where ever it is that you are. I need to go now..Lily and Anna need me..
Love you forever,
Cheryl.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Small updates
Life is crazy here... we just switched to a new daycare and thankfully there are no naps for Big Girls and so far so good.. they also seem to like the new place too.
My anklet socks are moving and grooving along.. I got the entire heel flap done today on the first sock.. hopefully (before I go to knitting tomorrow) I'll be able to turn the heel. If that happens I'll be so happy..
I also cut my hair... I have no clue how much of it came off but it feels so much lighter.. I almost feel like a new person.. or at least one that hasn't had to go through as much as I have lately.
The biggest change... at least in my mind... is that Lee's marker is being installed this week. I'm not exactly a fan of this change because it means that Lee being gone is real and I really don't want it to be real. I want him back with a passion. I want that to still be an option.. even though I know that it isn't an option at all. The girls keep asking about Daddy and saying that they want him... I feel like a robot saying that Daddy isn't here anymore... they can now add the part about how Daddy was very very sick and then he died all on their own...
My anklet socks are moving and grooving along.. I got the entire heel flap done today on the first sock.. hopefully (before I go to knitting tomorrow) I'll be able to turn the heel. If that happens I'll be so happy..
I also cut my hair... I have no clue how much of it came off but it feels so much lighter.. I almost feel like a new person.. or at least one that hasn't had to go through as much as I have lately.
The biggest change... at least in my mind... is that Lee's marker is being installed this week. I'm not exactly a fan of this change because it means that Lee being gone is real and I really don't want it to be real. I want him back with a passion. I want that to still be an option.. even though I know that it isn't an option at all. The girls keep asking about Daddy and saying that they want him... I feel like a robot saying that Daddy isn't here anymore... they can now add the part about how Daddy was very very sick and then he died all on their own...
I wonder if someday I will wake up and have him next to me again... and this will all just be a really bad dream.. I so wish it could be that simple... that I could chat with him again. We used to have some really great late night chats. Guess I'll chalk it up as another thing that I'll miss about him.
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