Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I've really good this year and I have a request.. you probably can't fill it but I'm going to ask anyway. Could you please bring Lee back? The girls and I miss him so much. The holidays aren't going to be the same ever again and it would be the best surprise ever if he came back. With your help I know that I can make sure that the girls have a great Christmas (their first without their Daddy here). Could you please make mine just as good ??? I don't require much... just some love and understanding to get me through. A sign from Lee that I'm not screwing up our kids too much. That I'm doing what he would want me to do.

Thank you hopefully in advance..

Cheryl

Some Updates..mostly good

Halloween is OVER.... Hooray... though we are still right in the middle of the princess obsession and seem to be watching Cinderella as much as possible lately. Thankfully I love the Cinderella story and will watch it willingly as many times as they want..

Lily (Cinderella) and Anna (Snow White)

In other news... I'm back to knitting on my socks.. I have turned the heel and picked up stitches and even gotten the Gusset finished and am now working on the foot. I'm almost done with these socks.. I want and need to move on to a new project. Definitely not socks though. I need a sock break. Maybe I'll try to figure out Shirley's sweater that I inherited last year or work on a secret project for a relative of mine that asked. Or work on my blankets that I started quite some time ago and have not finished yet..

Trying to be Postive

I feel like lately all I post about are things that get me down or are depressing. I need to change that. But sometimes it's hard to be positive. I see so many other families and think why us.. why not them? Why do they get to be whole and happy? Why didn't we get to have Lee for the next 20+ years? Why when the girls are still so little? Why not have this happen when they were old enough to understand better? I feel like I keep trying and failing to be a good mother. Maybe my expectations are too high. I'm far from perfect and don't exactly strive to be but I wish I had more patience with them at times.



I feel the need to be more positive. The girls do keep me laughing and smiling with their antics and comments. I love hearing their versions of stories. Anna impresses me so much at times. The other night I heard her reading one of the alphabet books to herself and she did a great job naming most of the animals in it (and some of them I'm not very familiar with either). She's also great at singing to herself and making up songs. Lily loves her firetrucks and babies with a passion. Both of them lately love to sing to the stars at night.. a sweet rendition of Twinkle Twinkle that is so cute.

Halloween should be fun this year since they are so into wearing their costumes and the whole idea of trick or treating. I can't wait..

Six Months later

Hard to believe that it has been 6 months since Lee passed away.. As I said to someone this past week, sometimes it feels like longer and other times it feels like it was almost yesterday that he died. I also realized something though, I'm actually surviving. I'm doing ok. I don't breakdown as much anymore. I have my moments but they are getting better. I miss Lee with all my heart and wish that he were still here but I'm doing ok and know that I will be ok in the future.

Our minister recently gave me some pictures that she had taken when the girls saw Lee for the last time at the hospital. They were painful to look at the first couple of times but I can look at them now and see all sorts of love in them between the girls and Lee. Lily saw me loading them on the computer and remarked "I miss Daddy".

Anna has been asking to draw pictures of our family lately with just Mommy, Anna and Lily. It's not as heartbreaking as it was when I saw her first Family drawing without Daddy in it. It's our new reality.

One Year ago....

It doesn't seem possible that...

one year ago I had a healthy husband, 2 year old twins and was heading to California to go and visit Lee's mom, brother and SIL.


One year ago we visited with and videoed Lee's mom with our girls.


One year ago I was thinking about how great it was that the girls were finally getting to meet their Grandma Ringen.


One year ago we took the girls on an hour's walk around my BIL's neighborhood to help tire them out for a nap.


One year ago the girls rode the merry go round for the first and second time and loved it.


One year ago Lee was not looking forward to saying goodbye to his mom since he was afraid that it would be the last time that he would see her alive.


One year ago I would have never thought that I would lose my husband.

A small announcement

No I'm not shutting myself down.... I have too much to say... but this is my 300th post on here and I don't want to waste it on mundane stuff.. My SIL and BIL were here today to see the kids and I while they are on this coast doing some visiting. Debbie mentioned that a widow she knows would write in a journal to and about her husband. I liked that idea.. so I'm adopting it.. I'm thinking once a week will be my day to write the blog as a letter to Lee about what is going on around here.. what the girls are doing, how we are coping.. I might do it the old fashioned way (paper and pen) but I like the thought of doing it electronically. I'll see how it feels and go from there.

The girls and I are heading to the cemetary this weekend for the first time together. There is a ceremony for the families of those that have been buried over the past year on Saturday morning. I figured it might be the best timing for bringing the girls up there. I'm hoping that it goes ok.. I'm hoping that I keep it somewhat together.. If anyone knows how to explain where I am taking the girls before Saturday please let me know.. I need all the advice I can muster..

Momma you ok

Ugh... Momma has not been feeling too good lately... not sure why.. I'll go with allergies to pollen levels for now.. but I have been coughing for a few days now.. it's a great Ab workout..not. I have been taking decongestant and Tussin CM to keep it in check but I think the high rate of me coughing has gotten the girls a touch worried.. I heard the words Momma you ok a few times today especially. This is when I miss Lee the most.. when I'm not feeling good.. if he were here I could just take a well deserved nap and know that he would keep an eye on them. But that's not my reality anymore.. Yeah i could have called someone to help me out but it's also a holiday weekend.. so I doubt that anyone would have been home.

On a slightly unrelated note.. Lily especially has been rather upset and wanting her Daddy.. Tonight I tried a new tactic.. I had recently hung up a few pictures of Lee and the 4 of us together.. So I brought her to one of the pictures and told her to say Hi to Daddy and tell him that she misses him.. it sort of worked and not to be left out, Anna wanted a turn too. She did a bit better with the message.