Trying to be Postive

I feel like lately all I post about are things that get me down or are depressing. I need to change that. But sometimes it's hard to be positive. I see so many other families and think why us.. why not them? Why do they get to be whole and happy? Why didn't we get to have Lee for the next 20+ years? Why when the girls are still so little? Why not have this happen when they were old enough to understand better? I feel like I keep trying and failing to be a good mother. Maybe my expectations are too high. I'm far from perfect and don't exactly strive to be but I wish I had more patience with them at times.



I feel the need to be more positive. The girls do keep me laughing and smiling with their antics and comments. I love hearing their versions of stories. Anna impresses me so much at times. The other night I heard her reading one of the alphabet books to herself and she did a great job naming most of the animals in it (and some of them I'm not very familiar with either). She's also great at singing to herself and making up songs. Lily loves her firetrucks and babies with a passion. Both of them lately love to sing to the stars at night.. a sweet rendition of Twinkle Twinkle that is so cute.

Halloween should be fun this year since they are so into wearing their costumes and the whole idea of trick or treating. I can't wait..

Six Months later

Hard to believe that it has been 6 months since Lee passed away.. As I said to someone this past week, sometimes it feels like longer and other times it feels like it was almost yesterday that he died. I also realized something though, I'm actually surviving. I'm doing ok. I don't breakdown as much anymore. I have my moments but they are getting better. I miss Lee with all my heart and wish that he were still here but I'm doing ok and know that I will be ok in the future.

Our minister recently gave me some pictures that she had taken when the girls saw Lee for the last time at the hospital. They were painful to look at the first couple of times but I can look at them now and see all sorts of love in them between the girls and Lee. Lily saw me loading them on the computer and remarked "I miss Daddy".

Anna has been asking to draw pictures of our family lately with just Mommy, Anna and Lily. It's not as heartbreaking as it was when I saw her first Family drawing without Daddy in it. It's our new reality.